Day 9 - Hallways

It was January of 1987 and I was walking down the familiar main hallway of the college I was attending and I felt very alone. It was just a few years earlier that I was walking those hallways with my mother and sister, Joanne. My mother worked at the college in the accounting department and my sister was a graphic artist and the director of marketing.

I suppose a lot of people wouldn't want to attend a college where they had their mom and sister working and, believe me, I resisted strenuously at first. But, free tuition is hard to pass up, so there I was.

It turned out that having Mom and Joanne there with me was a lot of fun and, in the end, a blessing for me. I got to spend time with them during what we would all too painfully realize later, were their last days. The three of us would OWN those hallways on our way to lunch together or through the main lobby on our way out to do something fun off campus. We were formidable. Me and Mom at 5'9" and Joanne at 6'2". The seas of people naturally parted as friendly hellos were exchanged.

Towards the end of October in 1984, I was getting the hang of this college thing as a freshman. I was making friends and doing well with my studies. I hung out with Joanne a lot. She was ten years older than me but we were good friends. She was always the type of person who could meet whomever she was talking with where they were at in their lives and find some way to relate to them. I had never known of anyone who didn't like her.

But then the accident happened and she was gone.

Mom and I faced those hallways together after that. For a while anyway. Then Mom got sick a few months after Joanne died and the next two years were full of her illness. She died my junior year, January of 1987.

I was alone in those hallways then. More alone that I had ever felt in my life and it was excruciating. I felt like I was facing the world - albeit my small world at a tiny liberal arts college in upstate New York - so very alone. It felt huge to me. And sad. And extraordinarily lonely.

Then, one night I had a dream. In the dream were those familiar hallways and I saw four people walking together. Three of them laughing with each other and the fourth quietly keeping them company. As the dream went on I realized that those three people were me, my mom and my sister together again and happy. Upon closer inspection I realized that the fourth walking beside us was God - there all along with us, walking beside us. Ever present and solid for us.

I woke up from the dream startled and crying. As I lay awake in the dark of my dorm room I was engulfed again in grief as I realized anew (as I did every morning) that Joanne and Mom were gone and not coming back. But I also realized this time that God was with me, as He always had been, keeping me company and quietly giving me strength. I was not alone in those hallways or in any other part of my life. He was walking beside me, always.

That morning, I got showered and dressed and gathered my books for my first class. I left my dorm room and held my head up higher than I had in a long time as I walked those halls. I felt stronger. Taken care of. Loved.

---------

It's 24 years later now - January of 2011 - and I've been feeling overwhelmed again with all that is wrong in my life as I try to make those things right. Two of my brothers have died tragically since those days long ago when I was in college. My two remaining sisters have had serious illnesses that have put their lives in jeopardy and it's been a heartbreaking challenge for all involved. My dad has two forms of cancer at the moment. My spiritual life is in shambles. My husband's business is faltering and we have no idea what we're going to do financially. My daughter is facing some stiff challenges in her life - ones that I cannot fix - which always breaks a parent's heart. My home is in disrepair on many levels - physically, spiritually, emotionally. My health is not good and I am unable to do anything about it as we have no health insurance. I am in a job that has nearly brought me to my knees with its craziness and unhealthy management.

Yeah....it's a lot.

My job requires me to walk the hallways of my daughter's school after hours. I deliver the mail late in the afternoon and it is very quiet. The students and teachers have gone home and there is only the occasional custodian. I see the various classrooms and bulletin boards, decorated for whatever particular season it is - pumpkins for October, turkeys for November, snowmen for December - and I realize that I am walking familiar hallways again. And feeling alone again. I think about how these hallways could easily represent the paths of our lives and the various seasons as we pass through them. It feels like a very scary, isolating season that I'm going through right now and I long for peace of mind and for things to ease up.

Then, out of the blue the other day, I am reminded of my dream from years ago and the lesson that it taught me. I am not alone. God is with me still. Walking beside me through the seasons of my life, keeping me company and guiding me.

So, as I write this, I think about the shower I will take in a few minutes and how I'll get ready to face this day - another hard one. My head will be held higher than it was yesterday and I will take a deep breath and walk through it - not alone at all - but with all of the companionship and help that I need.

We'll get through this together. We always do.