Words That Elude Me

I dream of being a writer. I love words. The idea of stringing a bunch of words together in a particular order of my choosing - and having people respond to those words in a way that's positive for them - would be such an amazing thing to me.

But, aside from a brief post the other day, I have found that I cannot write here lately. I have so much roiling inside of me every second of every day recently, and you would think that this would be a time of great creativity. A great releasing of the words. The feelings. The emotions. Cathartic, right?

Um, yeah...not so much.

I feel like I'm going to explode. It's an actual physical feeling of pressure inside of me that makes me want to open the valve and scream a primal scream so loud that it would make the earth shudder. Spew a million words with my frustration and sadness and fear and anger. Say these words in an order and in a way that would make sense and express all that's happening inside.

But, you see, that's not my style. As my mother said years ago when my sister died and someone made the comment to her that we were "very calm" (this person was wondering why there wasn't a lot of weeping and wailing) - "We're German. We don't do that."

We approach all things with stoic faces, practical attitudes and an infuriating need to stand up straighter and taller in spite of it all.

My daughter has inherited this way of reacting and coping, and I must say, it's the thing that she's inherited from me that makes me the saddest. (Which is really saying something considering that she also got my enormous ears and unfortunate saddle bags.) One of her teachers told me this past year, "Emma is completely and utterly unflappable. I have never known anyone young or old with that kind of unflappability." At first, I was flattered. But upon reflection, it just made me really sad. Appearing unflappable is a rough way to go in life. The calm veneer will serve you well in many ways. But in the end, all of that STUFF is left inside of you and you are alone with it. And it eats away your happiness and backs up on you when you are your weakest.

My sweet girl...I am aching and worrying about her so much these days. She is hurting about so many things and seems completely stuck as to how to talk about any of it. How can I teach my daughter to find the words if I cannnot myself?

I hope I can find the words again soon - and the order they need to be put in to express all that I want to express. I hope my girl is okay. I hope I can stop bawling.

I mean, I am German after all. I need to represent.

Not So Fast

I've learned recently that you don't have the right to say "The past is the past" unless you've learned from the past. Most of the time that people use this handy quote is when they've done something wrong....and it's hurt someone they care about...but they are getting tired of having to deal with the consequences of that wrong action...so they conveniently say, "The past is the past. Why can't we move on?"

Moving on is a luxury only earned by doing whatever you have to do to rectify the wrong you've done and prove that you've truly learned something from it - enough not to do it again.

I'm just sayin'....