Day 31 - Tired

I've been working 3-4 jobs in recent weeks and I'm really tired. Seems there's no time to write and ponder and meander through my thoughts. It's good to be busy but it's a tough pace. Going to bed now....

Day 30 - What a Fool Am I

I was foolish to be hopeful.

Day 29 - Sunny With a Chance of Hope

It's sunny and beautiful here today! 63 degrees for the high which isn't too bad for the end of January now is it? Such a vast change from just a few weeks ago when the state of Georgia was shutdown for a week because of snow and ice.

Emma has a color guard competition at a local high school today. She doesn't perform until 3:00 so I am getting some stuff done here at home until then. I can hear the drums from here as the school is close by. Perfect weather for a competition like this and I'm looking forward to doing something different and fun today. Much needed diversion.

I hate it that things are so hard right now. But I love that I always find hope somewhere along the way.

Day 28 - Ready...

...for things to be easier. I need some relief. Bad. Really bad. I need things to ease up. I need my life to stabilize. It's not just something I want - I need it to. Desperately. This branch can only bend so far....

Day 27 - This Sucks

I'm thinking that there's nothing worse than feeling disappointed in your kid.

Day 26 - Pet Peeve #2

Those stupid postcard things in magazines. HATE them!

Day 25 - A Little Life Renovation

I saw this poem in a book I'm reading and I really liked it. Maybe because I'm the daughter of a carpenter and the wife of a contractor, it resonated with me. The author is unknown and it was found mounted in a dusty old frame at St. Mary's Church in Rye, Enlgand:

Upon the wreckage of thy yesterday,
Design the structure of tomorrow.
Lay strong cornerstones of purpose, and prepare
Great blocks of wisdom cut from past despair.
Shape mighty pillars of resolve, to set
Deep in the tear-wet mortar of regret.
Work on with patience, though thy toil be slow,
Yet day-by-day thy edifice shall grow.
Believe in God - in thine own self believe -
All thou has desired thou shalt achieve.

Day 24 - Believe Me, I KNOW

As a reflection on yesterday's post and just for clarification...

I understand and am fully aware of how sad my being stuck back in 1984 is. I am even willing to admit that it's sometimes downright pathetic. Knowing this is why I'm talking about it - in an attempt to figure it out - and get UNSTUCK.

I don't want to live like this forever. I want to get better and be happy and at peace and CONTENT, which seems unfathomable to me at this point, but it's what I want for myself and for the people around me that I care about and that care about me.

So, I will babble on here about it all because, well, that's what a personal blog is about - talking about whatever goes on in my head and in my life.

If it gets annoying for anyone that might be reading this out there, I completely understand and that's what's so great about the little red X on the upper right corner of this page. I don't say that bitchy, just...as a matter of fact. But I do hope that you will come back once in a while to check out my progress. Maybe we'll all discover that I'm not so pathetic after all.

I saw this and it was a good reminder to me about having a more positive life even after you feel beyond repair. It's a little sappy but still wise:

You can shed tears that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived
You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
Or you can be full of the love that you shared
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday
You can remember her and only that she is gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

~David Harkins - Silloth, Cumbria, UK1981

Day 23 - Expectations

I was talking with a co-worker the other day about her daughter's engagement which led to a discussion about marriage. Her daughter is 24 and I mentioned that I was the same age when I got married and when I look back on it now, I can admit that I was probably too young. That's when she revealed to me that she was 19 when she got married. NINETEEN!! Before I could catch myself I blurted out, "Why did you do a thing like that??" Luckily, she has a good sense of humor and laughed as I fumbled to back peddle on my insensitive remark.

She explained that they loved each other and didn't see any reason to wait. And that, although they have had their ups and downs over the years, they have never once talked about divorce. I found that fascinating. I thought all married couples got to a point where they considered it once or twice (or more times) in the course of a lifetime together. I mean, how could you not? Two individual people living together for YEARS are bound to seriously consider getting out. I couldn't understand how they had escaped that.

Then I took a harder look at her life. She never went to college, has three kids and was a stay-at-home mom for many years while her husband ran a successful contracting business. When the economy tanked she found work at the school and does a great job there. I admire how she works full time but still manages to run a busy household successfully. Cooks nearly every night and is cleaning and doing laundry all of the time. And, aside from miserable financial pressures resulting from her husband's business struggling, she is happy. She loves being a mom and keeping a home and doesn't seem to need much more.

I thought about my own struggles with being completely restless all of the time. I am constantly displeased with the state of my life and how....utterly BORING it seems. I always want to be planning the next trip or wishing I could go to more shows or hating my drab home and wardrobe and how dull the weekends are. I struggle every single day with time passing and knowing that my life feels just as directionless as it did the day before and feeling hopeless about it all. As a friend said to me, "It sucks that other people are out there living our lives, doesn't it Rach?"

Contentment eludes me.

Then it occurred to me that maybe it all comes down to expectations. Maybe the most that my co-worker expected from her life was to marry a nice man, have some great kids and live her life peacefully in the suburbs of Georgia. And get this - maybe that's okay! Could it be?

When I was younger I always thought I'd do great things. I thought I would never fall into the trap of doldrums and hum-drum. I thought I would get my doctorate and have my own practice and get a vacation home on the beach and travel the world. But, alas, the furthest I've gotten is Georgia. (Although I did go to San Francisco once, years ago, for a week. That was fun.)

What the hell happened? I sit here, in my mid-forties, in my house of disrepair in the middle of freaking Georgia with a job I hate, my husband's business faltering, my daughter (who is New Yorker through-and-through) who wants to leave on the first plane out of here, poor as dirt, in debt and lost.

At the risk of getting all Dr. Phil about it, I think I got stuck on October 25, 1984, my freshman year of college, the day of my sister's fatal accident. I think that when my sister died, then my mother got sick, then she died, then my brother got sick and then he died - all within the four years I was in college - all I could do every single day was survive it. Get through that day. That's the most I could hope for myself anymore - to just get by without losing my mind from the grief and fear that consumed me each day. And when I look back on it, I see that those events led to a snowball effect that puts me right where I'm at today - in the middle of freaking Georgia - wondering what the hell happened to my life.

I barely got through my undergraduate work, so I never did pursue my graduate work and that doctorate that I had always dreamed about. A bachelor's degree in sociology doesn't get you far in life. Certainly not a vacation home on the beach or any of the other things I had longed for.

Maybe if I had been stronger. It felt herculean to just get through each day so I cannot imagine the strength it would have taken to do more than that. To accomplish more. To achieve greater things.

Or maybe if I just had lower expectations for my life I would have found contentment long ago. I'm not really sure.

But at least I'm finally asking the questions.

Day 22 - Feeling Tired But Good

Just had our friends over that lost their house and cat this week to a fire. It was great to see them and have a chance to talk and laugh and cry together.

Day 21 - More Hurting Going On

What a 24 hours it's been. A co-worker lost a brother suddenly to a brain anueryism yesterday. I am hoping we can all surround her in prayer and in love.

A neighbor and friend lost her home and beloved cat in a fire. (DO NOT LEAVE YOUR DRYER AND/OR WASHER RUNNING WHEN YOU ARE AWAY FROM THE HOUSE OR ASLEEP.) Thankfully, she and her family were not hurt but they have to rebuild their lives - both figuratively and literally. I am hoping that the hateful neighborhood drama amongst the women will ease and that we will be able to rally around them. I cannot even imagine what it's like to lose so much in a fire.

Day 20 - It's Just Not Right

Years ago I was in a restaurant with Emma waiting for some friends to show up. It was a Friday and early evening. As I sat there, watching family after family come in and be seated, I started noticing a pattern and it was really starting to piss me off. There were the dads, some in jeans and a sweatshirt, others in suit pants, dress shirt and loosened tie having just gotten off work. They looked relaxed and ready for the weekend.

There were kids, lots of kids of all ages. Some were whining because they were hungry. Some were coloring on the paper tablecloths. Some were interacting with each other goofing around. Most of them, despite the whining, were having a good time.

Then there were the moms. My gosh, the moms. They looked tired. They looked rather disheveled. I noticed that many of them looked older than their husbands. Hair thinning and unhealthy looking. Skin sallow. Frown lines.

It really made me mad. By the time my friends showed up I was indignant and outraged. "It's just not right!"

I just don't understand what we women do to ourselves - and our lives. Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why do we let other people be so hard on us? Why are we so hard on each other? It's disheartening. It weighs on me heavily and has for years.

I spent my lunch hour with a coworker yesterday. She is really hurting. She runs herself ragged at work (seven days a week late into the night) and still feels like she doesn't measure up. A somewhat unappreciative boss and an enormous workload has caused a real hit on her self-esteem - and her health.

It's just not right.

I then had dinner last night with a friend who is also hurting. She is grieving so much in her life and feels so lost. Her husband seems to be bop-bop-boppin' along in life which inevitably leaves her very lonely.

It's just not right.

Our neighborhood has gone through a real trial in the last few months. Families that all used to be friends are no longer friends. It's all rooted in women being unkind to other women.

It's just not right.

I don't understand it. I never will. It's a waste of life, of breath, of love, of laughter, of time, of joy.

IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT.

Day 19 - Long Day

Blood test this morning. Subbing at the front desk after that. Working my regular job after that. Dinner with a friend to cap off the day. I'm pooped and feel uninspired about writing. I'll try to do better tomorrow.

Day 18 - Random

I love my Kindle

I love carrot cake

I love that my application for some free (much needed) meds for my heartburn was approved today.

I love that I have a job

I hate my job though.

I hate that Greg's truck broke down tonight. (WTF??)

I hate not having any money.

I love that I'm trying to figure some big things out.

I hate my dirty house.

I love my cat Fatso. He makes me laugh.

I'm exhausted.

Day 17 - MLK

I live in Georgia. I think I've mentioned that before. One cool thing about living here is that we're at the heart of where Martin Luther King, Jr. did some of his best work. Where he preached and taught and led that all important fight for civil rights. Ebenezer church is just right downtown and it's awe-inspiring to think of all that took place there.

Thank you Dr. King for all that you did for all races, most importantly the human race.

Day 16 - Doors Closing

I feel doors closing here lately. I can't really explain it but it just feels like things here in Georgia are approaching an end. I felt this way in New York the last year we were there. One by one, the things that made our lives here work are no longer working. I had this overwhelming feeling at Christmas that it would be our last Christmas here. I have no idea why, I just did.

I kind of hate it when I feel this way because change is stressful. Even good change. Moving here 14 years ago was a good thing for us at the time, but it was hard. And whatever changes are coming our way in the coming months are going to be hard too.

But I just have this tugging, pulling feeling from somewhere else. Like a magnet from where we're supposed to go next is drawing us away from here. I just wish I knew where that was and how it would play out. I'm a bit controlling that way. (But who isn't??) I pray that whatever it is and where ever it is, ends up being a better fit for us.

Day 15 - What a Weird Week

Emma's school - which also means my job - was closed everyday this past week because of the snow! and ice! and low temps! Snowpocalypse 2011. It really threw things off here in Georgia. Now I'm all thrown off. With five weekdays plus two weekends plus Martin Luther Kind Day it will be ten days out of work after just four days back at work after two-and-a-half weeks off of work for Christmas break.

I have become stubborn in my mind and heart about going back to work on Tuesday - I feel put out by it - like, How DARE they expect me to have to work again!! I don't wanna go back. Now, now, don't get your panties in a bunch. OF COURSE I'm happy to have a job to back to (especially in this economy). OF COURSE I'm thankful to be employed (especially in this economy). OF COURSE I know how lucky I am (especially in this economy). I. GET. IT.

But I still don't wanna.

I like being at home. I like not having the stress of work drama. I like puttering around doing what I want to do with my day. That may make me sound like a spoiled brat but, hey, at least I am honest about myself and my brattiness.

My stress level went from a 1.5 on Monday to an earth-shattering 10 on Friday with just the idea of having to go back - in four days. There's something very wrong with that and I'll have to take a closer look at it in the coming days and weeks. I really need to figure this one out because I really need to work because I really need the money (especially in this economy).

Sigh....

Day 14 - Pet Peeves and a Virtual Cocktail Party

I may, from time to time, discuss my pet peeves on here in hopes that a minor rant about them will ease my intense reactions to them.

Pet Peeve #1, 2011 - People who use Facebook as a platform for their political views. Don't get me wrong, I'm not denying their right to do this, I'm just saying how unbelievably annoying it is. Especially when it's the same people over and over again spewing the same bull crap. Half the time I think it's just to get a rise out of people to spark a political debate because they're so bored with their own lives. And I must say, I'm finding that I'm equally annoyed with people that do this who are spewing things I completely agree with politically! To me, it's the equivalent of people bringing this crap up at a party. It's rude and annoying and a real buzz kill.

Hmmm...those last two sentences are kind of interesting as they just came falling out of my rambling, ranting thoughts, through my fingertips and onto the keyboard. It's kind of true, isn't it? That Facebook is kind of like a cocktail party? Albeit one you can wear your pajamas to, but still, the same principles apply. We show up, never knowing who all is going to be there, and exchange small talk and share tidbits of ourselves through witty banter. We mingle. Share photos of our kids. Update those we haven't seen in a while. Make an appearance. Then we leave until the next soiree. I wonder if someday in-person cocktail parties will be obsolete?

ANYWAY, I got sidetracked there...if you're reading this and enjoy heated political debates on Facebook. Please reconsider. It's annoying.

Day 13 - The Art of Everything

I believe that everything has an art to it. Every task, every job, every profession...there's an art to it. It doesn't matter how menial it seems to the majority, there's still a rythym and cadence and steps to be taken to accomplish it successfully. I started thinking about this one day years ago when I was getting my nails done. I watched the nail technician do her job and she was good at it. She went through all of the necessary steps to complete the job just as she had been taught in nail technician school (what is the proper name of that?) I'm sure. But just because you follow the necessary steps, doesn't make you good at something. She knew just how much powder and liquid to put together to fill in my acrylic nails just right. She knew how to polish the nail so there wouldn't be ugly lines and bubbles. Not everyone can do that. I doubt I could. So, what seems a rather lowly profession actually has some real requirements of skill to it. Skill that not everyone can accomplish. This alone makes it worthy of notice and appreciation. And respect.

I was watching the garbage men the other day and noticed how the driver would stop at just the right spot and how the others would jump off at just the right time and pick up the garbage cans and swing them just so into the back of the garbage truck. Not a single piece of garbage landed on the street or remained in the garbage can (I checked later). Theres' skill to that. And art. It's something I couldn't do well.

I find myself watching people do their jobs. I am full of admiration as I watch the cashier at the grocery store or the teller at the bank or the clerk at the post office or the attorney in the courtroom or the accountant at her calculator. They all do something that I might be able to do after some training but...I might not be able to do after some training. Afterall, we're not all cut out for everything.

I'm 45 and find myself wondering what I am cut out for. That makes me feel a little (a lot) pathetic. I bake. I craft. I write. Am I really cut out for any of it though? The only thing I know to do is to keep...DOING. So here I am. Doing.

Is there an art to doing?

Day 12 - Baking

I bake. I'm a baker. I love to bake. No cooking though. Hate to cook. For the longest time I couldn't really figure it out - why I loved to bake but hated to cook. I mean really, what's the leap? Ingredients mixed together, put in a hot oven, people eat it. But then I realized that I'm not that into food - eating it, I mean - but I AM into sweets. LOVE to eat sweets! For me, the end results of cooking just aren't worth the hassle, but the end results of baking! Now that's worth it!

I've started a baking business. Tastes of Eden has been launched! (I was going to name it "Taste of Eden" - singular - but Greg said it sounded like the title of a porn movie.) Baking for the people at Emma's school for years has finally paid off (sort of). Word got out around the holidays about my baking and people actually started paying me for my services. What a hoot! Now, I'm in a place with it where I'm trying to figure out how to proceed. The holiday baking boom is over and how do I parlay it into the rest of the year? I'm thinking about Etsy and using Facebook to begin marketing myself for long distance business. It's nerve racking and exciting at the same time.

I'm also thinking of starting a new blog dedicated to the baking side of my personality. Recipes, anecdotes, ideas, discussions....we'll see. Could be fun!

Day 11 - Unprecedented!

Another snow day today and a third called for tomorrow! I don't think that ever even happened when I lived in New York! Georgia is iced over and in a state of emergency. There is really no choice but to stay home and surrender to it. To be honest, I'm really enjoying the heck out of it. I love sitting by the fireplace, eating junk food, watching 80's TV, baking with Emma, reading, catching up on movies, surfing the web....no complaints here AT ALL.

I'm also realizing how much this job is stressing me out. I tend to internalize any stress I'm going through and it inevitably ends up coming out with some sort of illness or injury or other signs of ill health. For weeks (months?) I've been having a terrible time with my hip. It hasn't been this bad since college when everyone was dying. My hair is also falling out and my doctor thinks it's the stress of the job. Something has to be done but I just don't know what that is right now. I'm kinda trapped and it SUCKS.

I haven't worked since last Friday and my hip is doing great and my hair loss has ebbed. Coincidence? I DON'T THINK SO.

I hope that this year brings me and my family better health and stability.

Day 10 - Snow Day!

We are having quite a blizzard out there right now! Well, a blizzard for Georgia. About 3 or 4 inches have fallen so far and there's no end in sight or warming of the temps anytime soon. They're expecting about 6 inches with an inch of ice mixed in. I'm sure in about 24 hours this is just going to be one big pain in the neck, but for right now it's just beautiful and wonderful and exciting.

Oh, and the best part? SNOW DAY!!! They closed schools throughout Georgia before the first flake ever hit the ground. Smart move though considering how bad things look right now.

I remember those days when my brothers and sisters and I would sit around the radio waiting, waiting, WAITING and desperately hoping that they would say the name of our school. And that moment when they did? Oh the joy! The unmitigated happiness that took over us as we danced around the kitchen in our pajamas.

(To my mom's credit I do not have a single memory of her reactions when our school had a snow day. What a freaking nightmare for a mom of seven!)

Emma and I snuggled under a blanket, ate fresh-baked brownies and watched P.S. I Love You while the snow came down tonight. I will treasure it always. I know these moments with her are numbered now. She will be off to college in three-and-a-half years and I'm going to grab these special times and hold tight to how awesome they are. She's hurting right now but is so strong and wise and lovely. I really admire her.

Now, I'm off to bed and am really looking forward to our free day together in the morning! G'night.

Day 9 - Hallways

It was January of 1987 and I was walking down the familiar main hallway of the college I was attending and I felt very alone. It was just a few years earlier that I was walking those hallways with my mother and sister, Joanne. My mother worked at the college in the accounting department and my sister was a graphic artist and the director of marketing.

I suppose a lot of people wouldn't want to attend a college where they had their mom and sister working and, believe me, I resisted strenuously at first. But, free tuition is hard to pass up, so there I was.

It turned out that having Mom and Joanne there with me was a lot of fun and, in the end, a blessing for me. I got to spend time with them during what we would all too painfully realize later, were their last days. The three of us would OWN those hallways on our way to lunch together or through the main lobby on our way out to do something fun off campus. We were formidable. Me and Mom at 5'9" and Joanne at 6'2". The seas of people naturally parted as friendly hellos were exchanged.

Towards the end of October in 1984, I was getting the hang of this college thing as a freshman. I was making friends and doing well with my studies. I hung out with Joanne a lot. She was ten years older than me but we were good friends. She was always the type of person who could meet whomever she was talking with where they were at in their lives and find some way to relate to them. I had never known of anyone who didn't like her.

But then the accident happened and she was gone.

Mom and I faced those hallways together after that. For a while anyway. Then Mom got sick a few months after Joanne died and the next two years were full of her illness. She died my junior year, January of 1987.

I was alone in those hallways then. More alone that I had ever felt in my life and it was excruciating. I felt like I was facing the world - albeit my small world at a tiny liberal arts college in upstate New York - so very alone. It felt huge to me. And sad. And extraordinarily lonely.

Then, one night I had a dream. In the dream were those familiar hallways and I saw four people walking together. Three of them laughing with each other and the fourth quietly keeping them company. As the dream went on I realized that those three people were me, my mom and my sister together again and happy. Upon closer inspection I realized that the fourth walking beside us was God - there all along with us, walking beside us. Ever present and solid for us.

I woke up from the dream startled and crying. As I lay awake in the dark of my dorm room I was engulfed again in grief as I realized anew (as I did every morning) that Joanne and Mom were gone and not coming back. But I also realized this time that God was with me, as He always had been, keeping me company and quietly giving me strength. I was not alone in those hallways or in any other part of my life. He was walking beside me, always.

That morning, I got showered and dressed and gathered my books for my first class. I left my dorm room and held my head up higher than I had in a long time as I walked those halls. I felt stronger. Taken care of. Loved.

---------

It's 24 years later now - January of 2011 - and I've been feeling overwhelmed again with all that is wrong in my life as I try to make those things right. Two of my brothers have died tragically since those days long ago when I was in college. My two remaining sisters have had serious illnesses that have put their lives in jeopardy and it's been a heartbreaking challenge for all involved. My dad has two forms of cancer at the moment. My spiritual life is in shambles. My husband's business is faltering and we have no idea what we're going to do financially. My daughter is facing some stiff challenges in her life - ones that I cannot fix - which always breaks a parent's heart. My home is in disrepair on many levels - physically, spiritually, emotionally. My health is not good and I am unable to do anything about it as we have no health insurance. I am in a job that has nearly brought me to my knees with its craziness and unhealthy management.

Yeah....it's a lot.

My job requires me to walk the hallways of my daughter's school after hours. I deliver the mail late in the afternoon and it is very quiet. The students and teachers have gone home and there is only the occasional custodian. I see the various classrooms and bulletin boards, decorated for whatever particular season it is - pumpkins for October, turkeys for November, snowmen for December - and I realize that I am walking familiar hallways again. And feeling alone again. I think about how these hallways could easily represent the paths of our lives and the various seasons as we pass through them. It feels like a very scary, isolating season that I'm going through right now and I long for peace of mind and for things to ease up.

Then, out of the blue the other day, I am reminded of my dream from years ago and the lesson that it taught me. I am not alone. God is with me still. Walking beside me through the seasons of my life, keeping me company and guiding me.

So, as I write this, I think about the shower I will take in a few minutes and how I'll get ready to face this day - another hard one. My head will be held higher than it was yesterday and I will take a deep breath and walk through it - not alone at all - but with all of the companionship and help that I need.

We'll get through this together. We always do.

Day 8 - Craziness

I'm sitting here watching CNN as they report about Congresswoman Giffords being shot. So sad. A lot of pundits having a lot to say, but very little being said about the lax gun laws in this nation. It's always so stunning to me how most people don't make a connection between these violent incidents and the easy access to guns. 1+1=2. Simple.

Day 7 - SATC

It's on at 10:00 in the morning and at 8:00 at night now! How come I never get tired of this show??

Day 6 - 24 Years

Today is the 24th anniversary of my Mom's death. Sad really. Although I'm glad she's not suffering here on earth anymore. She was a tough lady - had a rough life - and in many ways I admired her. I thank her for my sense of humor and my strength and, well, for giving me life.

I love you Mom.

Day 5 - Normalcy

All I want to accomplish by the end of 2011 is some normalcy. I want Greg to have a job to go to everyday that he enjoys and can earn a living at and then come home. I want the same for myself - a job that I can go to that I can weave within the needs of my family members, earn a few bucks and then come home. I want Emma to go to school, do her best, have some fun and come home. I want our evenings to be calm and peaceful and a time that we can just BE.

I want to be able to pay our bills.

I want to be able to go to the doctor and not have to worry that if I do, we might not be able to buy gas or groceries that week.

I want to be able to do some modest repairs and maintenance on my home.

I want to be able to belly laugh again and mean it.

I want the same for Emma.

And just now, this second, I heard on Good Morning America that Roseanne Barr is planning on running for President. Yeah, that will bring some NORMALCY.

OMG....

Day 4 - Answers

I've learned over the last 14 years that being a good parent doesn't mean always having all of the answers. Being a good parent means being willing to look for the answers until you find them.

I am doing that now for my daughter about some things and I'm scared. I want to do right by her. I want her to have what she needs and what will make her happy. I feel bewildered and lost and completely incompetent.

But, I've been in this position before - many times since she was born - and I will seek the answers until I find them for her, praying that I get it right.

Day 3 - I Seem To Annoy People

I've noticed lately that I really seem to annoy people. I can't really figure out what about me is so annoying, but apparently it's out there because people keep deep sighing around me. I try not to take it all personally. People have so much going on in their personal lives that I'm barely more than a tiny little gnat in their lives. But I'm still that gnat. You know, the one buzzing around your head and you can't swat it or catch it or kill it EVEN THOUGH YOU WANT TO SO BADLY. That's me apparently. Or at least that's how I feel. It's a rotten feeling. And since I haven't been able to figure it out all of these years I tend to become reclusive. Withdrawn and hesitant about interacting with others.

I was talking to a friend about all of this one time and he said, "Maybe it's not you. Maybe you just need better friends."

Huh, I thought. LIGHT BULB MOMENT.

I'm working on it. It's hard, but I'm working on it. I want friends. I want kind friends. Friends that are funny. Friends that are in this life thing with me for the long haul.

New year, new friends? I sure hope so.

Day 2 - Driving

I went into work the other day. I work at a school. Of course all of the parking lots were empty because the school is closed for the holiday break, so I seized the opportunity to get Emma behind the wheel!

If you have children you know what a shock this is to a parent's system - teaching their kids how to drive. This routine of "I remember when she was in diapers! She shouldn't be driving!" feeling is not a new thing. It's as old as automobiles, I suppose. But it's still a shock. She's only been on the earth for fourteen-and-a-half years and in a few months she'll be able to get her learner's permit. It's insanity really. Seems that 25 would be a more logical age to put someone in charge of a two-ton room on wheels.

But away we went and you know what? She did GREAT!! I was pleasantly surprised and really relieved that she seems to have a natural ability to understand how to tune her body into the way the car moves and breathes. There were a few lurches and bumps but she quickly got the hang of it.

Next, she'll be wanting to do donuts.

Day 1 - Time

I bought a few new calendars for the new year. Half off at Barnes & Noble. Gotta love that!

I'm the type that likes a clean slate. A blank canvas. Fresh start. It makes it seem like so much is possible and creates anticipation of what's to come. Knowing that life can turn on a dime is what makes it exciting.

But....

It also makes it really, REALLY scary. One of the calendars I bought was a no fuss, no muss type of calendar. No cutesy pictures of kittens or flowers. Just a red, black and white thing with large spaces for each day so you can write lots of stuff in it. Good for busy people.

It also has something I've never seen in a regular wall calendar before. The last two pages comprise "year-at-a-glance" layout which makes it possible to look at all the days of the year at once. I thought it might come in handy for Greg to be able to map out his current and upcoming jobs with different color markers for the various types of work. We're! Getting! Organized!

After looking at if for a few minutes though I started to get that familiar, nagging anxiety again. I was looking at all of those days and months ahead for 2011 and it was completely freaking me out. How will I know if I'll even be around on March 4th or August 2nd or next Christmas? Maybe I'll DIE tomorrow and not get those days with my daughter or my friends or other family. Maybe Emma will die. Or Greg. Or someone else I love.

It's happened before.

Someone I love is here and I have plans to go to the movies with them the next day and then...they're gone. Not here. Life can change on a dime alright and suddenly you're in more pain that you knew existed just a few minutes earlier.

IT MESSES WITH YOUR MIND.

It's been a long time since that first loss. The first one that messed me up so bad. I imagine that most people think I should be over it by now. But the changes are forever and it's part of who I am now no matter how much counseling I get or how much I try to reason with myself or how frustrated those around me might get about it. It just....IS.

In 2011 I'm going to try to post every day. Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. How many bloggers say that and it never happens? ALL OF THEM at one point or another. But it's just a soft goal. If I don't one day, or two or many more, I'll forgive myself. It's just a blog entry. It's not a tragedy. But I would like to write more. To explore what can be tapped out on the keys of my laptop - what I might discover about myself or others or life.

So, here we are. Day 1. Let's see what happens!