!

I've noticed something! Something kind of funny! Something that would be a pretty cool trick if it all weren't so sad! When I am texting or e-mailing someone in response to their questions about how I'm doing, and end sentences with an exclamation point, they believe I'm okay when I say I'm okay! They suddenly move on and ask no more questions about how I'm doing!

Isn't that the oddest thing? And pretty shady of me if I'm being totally honest. But, it wasn't something that I did with purpose at first. I didn't even realize I was doing it at all for a long time. But in the last few weeks, I started noticing it and decided to test it. Someone would ask me how I'm doing (crappy) or how my sister is doing (crappy) and I would talk honestly about how (crappy) we were were doing and I could tell the other person would begin to feel stressed that we're doing so crappy. OR! I would evade their questions and they would notice that I'm evading and call me out on it. Then I would send a response with an exclamation point on the end and they would immediately believe me that I was fine and I could tell their stress level would diminish significantly.

For example:

Them: "How is your sister doing, Rachel?"
Me (option 1 - no exclamation point): "She is struggling quite a bit, but managed to be able to take a shower today."
Me (option 2 - using exclamation point): "She is struggling quite a bit but managed to be able to take a shower today!"

See the difference? In option 2, the reader would take it as good news and be able to move on to talking about other things when, in actuality, it kind of sucks that the standard of what my sister can manage in a day has become so low that being able to take a shower is newsworthy. But, frankly, it is often a relief for me to move on to another topic, and here is why...people just want me to be okay. That's all they want. They care about me and my family and want to help but know they can't and that's stressful for them. They want to fix, but they can't. They want to solve, but they can't. They want me not to hurt, but I can't stop hurting just because they want it so much for me. Intellectually, everyone involved knows this, but human nature dictates that they at least try. My exclamation points let them off they hook. They asked, I answered with enthusiasm, we can all move on to the next topic. I can pretend to be okay and this is comforting to the other person.

I learned years ago that my not being okay is a real hardship for the people who care about me. When Joanne was killed I was SO NOT okay and I walked around obviously not okay. It was hard for people to be around me. Not because they didn't love me or care about me - but because they did. I soon realized that the more "okay" I was, the more people were comfortable with my situation and with being around me. I needed people around me. Grief is such an isolating journey and I was desperate for friendship and companionship so...I adjusted. I smiled and laughed and pretended to be okay.

The problem with this, of course, is that it'll come back to bite you. All of that pretending will eventually catch up with you and suddenly you feel like your going to have a nervous breakdown out of pure exhaustion with all of that Oscar-winning acting you're doing. I've learned this the hard way. So much so, that I was eventually diagnosed with PTSD and suffered a severe depression.

But, here I am, pretending again. It's taken on a new format with technology creating even another layer of removal from others - texting and e-mail give you a safe cushion from your tone of voice or facial expressions giving you away. A simple exclamation point is all that is needed and your scott free.

I know in my gut that all of this exclaiming might be a big mistake, but I honestly don't know any other way of handling it. They want me to be okay, I will be okay, and it doesn't really matter that I'm not okay. Give the people what they want and the truth won't matter.

Except...it does. I'm NOT okay. I am hurting and I am scared and I am desperately sad. And I am alone with it because that is what's necessary to be able to get on with your life day-in and day-out. And to have people in your life. And to just get the hell on with it. There doesn't seem to be many options here.

Smile. Nod. Evade. And if all else fails, exclaim.

The One Left Behind

Long hiatus, folks! It's been a while since I've been writing on here. I don't know why I do that. I know I hate it when other bloggers do that - just disappear. I'm at an advantage though because I don't have any readers (At least I don't think I do. Please let me know if I'm wrong.) so I imagine that my absence has offended no one.

I'm going through some things. Some hard things. I'm used to hard things but that somehow doesn't make hard things any easier. This is unfortunate. What good is all of that "hard stuff" life experience if it doesn't make the next hard thing any easier to go through? It makes one feel rather foolish and ripped off for all of that endurance displayed, grit proven and lip stiffened.

In a nutshell, I have a very ill sister, an ill father, an anxious daughter, no money, no job, a 24-year marriage, a messy house and, well, a pretty messy life. I've had the urge to write about these things and hope that, by doing so, I'll remember what all of this felt like. I'm hoping that this time, I will not shove all of my thoughts, feelings and emotions so deep into the caverns of my heart and mind that they serve no purpose but to eat me alive, body and soul.

You see, I've already lost a sister, two brothers and my mother. And I've shoved and I've swallowed and I've endured and I've forged on. But I have not come out unscathed. I am damaged. More than most I would guess. And with all of that shoving and swallowing I am not able to help others as much as I'd like. I want to help others. It's the only thing that helps make all that my family has gone through make any sense. It seems selfish and wasteful not to serve others during their hard times.

My goal is to "go there." To let myself feel it all through writing about it. And hopefully, by letting myself feel it all, I can learn and pass on what I've learned better than I have in the past.