The hard conversations.
Man, they suck.
I had one today and now I have the, I've-bawled-my-eyes-out-so-now-my-sinuses-are-killing-me headache to prove it.
Marriage is a bitch. I said the tough stuff that a nice person (like me) tries their very best not to say. But they had to be said because they're the truth and not saying them for so long was becoming a big part of the problem. Although, having said that, I'm not sure saying them solved anything. Maybe a baby step in that direction though. I have no idea.
I've been thinking about marriage. I don't know ANYONE who is happily married. No one. It's like we're all destined to be miserable through our whole 30s and 40s. Of course, I can't help but hope that our 50s will be better - fingers crossed, clinging to hope, oh my god, I will just gouge my eyes out if they aren't - better.
I'm exhausted. Tapped out. Empty tank.
Tomorrow's another day though, and there's always hope in that.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Losing Weight
What does a key weigh?
An ounce?
Less?
Without realizing it, I was about to find out. I walked into what would soon be my former office, looked around, and it hit me that all of the little nooks and crannies that one makes their own when they're given a space to dwell in, will no longer be mine. It's amazing how intimate we become with space and things in an avid quest to make them our own - personalize them - create something that we can feel comfortable in. There are the drawers in your desk and what you put where. The things you hang on the wall - things that make you smile or think or that remind you to be brave or kind or that inspire you. How you arrange your desktop and what photographs you choose to put there. Whether or not you choose soft lighting with some lamps you've brought from home or if you're okay with the overhead lights. It's all a reflection of who we are and how we want to present ourselves to others.
As I moved about my office, I removed things from the bulletin board, filled a small box with a toiletries bag I kept in the cabinet, some office supplies that I bought with my own money and some snacks from the desk. I left the candy jar I bought long ago hoping that it will still be enjoyed by those that remained, and continue to be a reason for people to stop by so connections could be made - connections that wouldn't have been made if it weren't for the candy jar. Everybody likes candy. Everybody needs connection to others. Candy creates connections.
After I was done, I found an envelope, took one last look around, turned off the lights and shut the door. I put my key in the lock and turned it. The familiar click sounded, securing all that was inside. I put the key in the envelope, slid it under the door and looked at it through the door window for a moment. Then walked away.
It was then that I figured out what a key weighs.
About 500 pounds, give or take.
500 pounds of stress and pressure and unhappiness and humiliation were gone. I was free of it. Those things weren't my problem anymore. I had made a tough decision and I was the better for it. Even if the unknown future was pretty scary, I knew that it had to be better than what I just walked away from. It made me feel stronger and lighter and clearer than I had for so long.
And I was proud of myself.
An unfamiliar feeling.
But I could get used to it.
An ounce?
Less?
Without realizing it, I was about to find out. I walked into what would soon be my former office, looked around, and it hit me that all of the little nooks and crannies that one makes their own when they're given a space to dwell in, will no longer be mine. It's amazing how intimate we become with space and things in an avid quest to make them our own - personalize them - create something that we can feel comfortable in. There are the drawers in your desk and what you put where. The things you hang on the wall - things that make you smile or think or that remind you to be brave or kind or that inspire you. How you arrange your desktop and what photographs you choose to put there. Whether or not you choose soft lighting with some lamps you've brought from home or if you're okay with the overhead lights. It's all a reflection of who we are and how we want to present ourselves to others.
As I moved about my office, I removed things from the bulletin board, filled a small box with a toiletries bag I kept in the cabinet, some office supplies that I bought with my own money and some snacks from the desk. I left the candy jar I bought long ago hoping that it will still be enjoyed by those that remained, and continue to be a reason for people to stop by so connections could be made - connections that wouldn't have been made if it weren't for the candy jar. Everybody likes candy. Everybody needs connection to others. Candy creates connections.
After I was done, I found an envelope, took one last look around, turned off the lights and shut the door. I put my key in the lock and turned it. The familiar click sounded, securing all that was inside. I put the key in the envelope, slid it under the door and looked at it through the door window for a moment. Then walked away.
It was then that I figured out what a key weighs.
About 500 pounds, give or take.
500 pounds of stress and pressure and unhappiness and humiliation were gone. I was free of it. Those things weren't my problem anymore. I had made a tough decision and I was the better for it. Even if the unknown future was pretty scary, I knew that it had to be better than what I just walked away from. It made me feel stronger and lighter and clearer than I had for so long.
And I was proud of myself.
An unfamiliar feeling.
But I could get used to it.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Wah!
Well, I spent the last two days working on a freelance project that I have. It just confirms that I enjoy this work and hope to parlay it into something sustainable for my life. I'm taking a class in early August to hone my skills and I'm excited about it! I miss school. Seems like such a stupid thing to say when I think about how stressful school was back when I was in high school and college. (Maybe it had something to do with all of those people dying though...)
I'm sitting here wondering if this class will lead to that job and then the next and the next and the next which will then lead to a life closer to what I want it to be. Can't get into all the details of what I want it to be just yet, but maybe someday.
Life's hard sometimes, ain't it?
I'm sitting here wondering if this class will lead to that job and then the next and the next and the next which will then lead to a life closer to what I want it to be. Can't get into all the details of what I want it to be just yet, but maybe someday.
Life's hard sometimes, ain't it?
Thursday, July 12, 2012
So I'm Free. Now What?
I've got some things to figure out, don't I? It just hit me how relieved I am that I don't have to go back to my old job in a few weeks. But...there's the ever-present reality that I still need to earn a living. I'm doing some freelance editorial work and it pays well, but I have to find more of it to make enough to compensate for what I walked away from. I'm hoping that I didn't trade one prison (a dead-end job that doesn't pay well or provide me any stimulation) for another (financial/tuition hell).
Hmmmmm....yup, a lot to figure out.
Hmmmmm....yup, a lot to figure out.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Freedom
I left the job today that has kept me from writing on her for so long. I needed that job for the discount on my daughter's tuition. I still need it. But sometimes, you have to make the hard choices for all of the right reasons and hope and pray that somehow it will all work out. I was put in a position at this job, of choosing between what is best for two different family members and my hand was forced. I chose. And I'm scared. Either way, I know I possibly (probably?) hurt someone.
The upside of this decision is that it frees me from a rather confined set of standards that this particular organization abides by which has often kept me from being my genuine self a great deal of the time. I found myself in a situation where I couldn't be who I really was on this blog without censoring and editing what I really wanted to say or how I really wanted to say it. What's the point of putting words on here in a certain order, forming sentences, that didn't reflect what I really wanted to say at any given time?
So I stopped writing.
There's something very wrong with that and I'm glad, for that reason alone, to have moved on. I'm still trying to figure out if I was brave - or simply foolish.
Only time will tell.
The upside of this decision is that it frees me from a rather confined set of standards that this particular organization abides by which has often kept me from being my genuine self a great deal of the time. I found myself in a situation where I couldn't be who I really was on this blog without censoring and editing what I really wanted to say or how I really wanted to say it. What's the point of putting words on here in a certain order, forming sentences, that didn't reflect what I really wanted to say at any given time?
So I stopped writing.
There's something very wrong with that and I'm glad, for that reason alone, to have moved on. I'm still trying to figure out if I was brave - or simply foolish.
Only time will tell.
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