Today was not good. I thought Emma was healing nicely from her illness but then today her temp spiked to 104 from 100 in a 30 minute span of time and the vomiting started up again. Her dad took her to the doctor and they sent her over to the hospital for a chest x-ray because they suspect pneumonia. They then gave her two injections of their "top gun" antibiotic, an injection for the nausea and took blood for a CBC. Their last resort is to admit her to the hospital so they want to see how she does overnight after all of these meds.
I just spoke with her a little while ago and she sounds terrible. She's in a lot of pain and my heart is breaking. Absolutely breaking. We discussed me returning home but decided to see how she does overnight. Horrible. This feels horrible....
Deep breaths Rachel. Deep breaths.
On a lighter, yet creepier note - That man across the courtyard is sitting on the end of his bed again, but this time it's...in the dark! Just sitting there in the dark. The light in his living room is on and I can see his silhouette as he sits. Just sits. I checked in every once in a while last night and he was still sitting there at 11:30 when I finally fell asleep. I woke up at 4:30 from some sort of noise and happened to look over there and he had finally laid down and appeared to be sleeping in the fetal position on top of the comfortor with all of the lights still on. I thought I could actually hear The Twilight Zone music playing there for a minute.
At some point, my watching him do this is going to get creepier than him actually doing it but...not yet! More updates to come.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Day Three Of....
...that man sitting on the end of his bed. Just sitting there. Stiffly. Why doesn't he just grab a couple of pillows and lean back for heaven's sake? Relax!
He's stressing me out.
He's stressing me out.
Day Three - A Different Rythym
It's my first weekday here and I'm learning that it's a much different atmosphere than on the weekends. Both Saturday and Sunday the place was alive with a bunch of young families at the pool, in the courtyard, running on the beach, out on their balconies....
But today, there was a distinct quietness to the place when I woke up. I went for another morning walk and the beach was nearly deserted. There was a part of me that was a little disturbed by it - like the rapture had occurred and I was still here or something (My conservative Baptist upbringing coming into play.) - and then there was a part of me that was relieved. I've always been a somewhat self-conscious person and I felt weird wandering around the place all alone while everyone else was here with family and friends. I didn't particularly envy them (Not yet anyway. I'm sure I'll start feeling homesick here pretty soon.), I just felt like an oddball. Like that poor blond in 2307 that has nobody, bless her heart. So it's nice to almost have the place to myself and just relax and do my thing.
By the way, have any of you ever showered in a shower where there are full length mirrors on one whole wall of the shower area? The master bath in this place has the wall along the long side of the tub wall-to-wall/floor-to-ceiling mirrors. You'd think it would be all helpful and snazzy to be able to see as you shave and wash up - but it's not. It's really rather awful. To see yourself in your full glory as you take care of the business of cleaning yourself everyday is the OPPOSITE of snazzy. It makes you want to go on a strict diet and hire a trainer immediately. Either that, or kill yourself.
I'm going to go sit on the balcony now and watch the tide roll in. My gosh, what a life this is!
But today, there was a distinct quietness to the place when I woke up. I went for another morning walk and the beach was nearly deserted. There was a part of me that was a little disturbed by it - like the rapture had occurred and I was still here or something (My conservative Baptist upbringing coming into play.) - and then there was a part of me that was relieved. I've always been a somewhat self-conscious person and I felt weird wandering around the place all alone while everyone else was here with family and friends. I didn't particularly envy them (Not yet anyway. I'm sure I'll start feeling homesick here pretty soon.), I just felt like an oddball. Like that poor blond in 2307 that has nobody, bless her heart. So it's nice to almost have the place to myself and just relax and do my thing.
By the way, have any of you ever showered in a shower where there are full length mirrors on one whole wall of the shower area? The master bath in this place has the wall along the long side of the tub wall-to-wall/floor-to-ceiling mirrors. You'd think it would be all helpful and snazzy to be able to see as you shave and wash up - but it's not. It's really rather awful. To see yourself in your full glory as you take care of the business of cleaning yourself everyday is the OPPOSITE of snazzy. It makes you want to go on a strict diet and hire a trainer immediately. Either that, or kill yourself.
I'm going to go sit on the balcony now and watch the tide roll in. My gosh, what a life this is!
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Day Two - Sunrise, Sunset - And Everything In Between
I woke up this morning to a spectacular sunrise! Unfortunately the pics from my camera don't tell the whole beautiful story but you get the idea....
I then went and took a walk at 8 a.m. and it was so amazing. Not too hot, not too cold, not too crowded, not too isolated, not too windy, just windy enough...truly beautiful.
Mid-day I went to the beach and just hung out and watched people. I only stayed for about an hour. I get so stressed about skin cancer than it sort of takes the relaxation aspect out of it. I realized this evening when I took another walk, that late afternoon/early evening is a better time for me to take my beach chair out there to sit a while, so I will try that tomorrow.
Here is a picture of the sunset. Gorgeous dahling!
I confirmed something about myself tonight that I've always strongly suspected. I'm a voyeur. I've always enjoyed watching people and listening to their interactions. When I was out on the balcony tonight I noticed a man across the courtyard sitting on the end of his bed. Just sitting there in the same position for a very...long...time...it's bizarre. I saw him doing the same thing last night too. He makes this indoor girl feel positively active.
I'm very sore all over today. I think the long drive, hauling the groceries and all of my CRAP into the condo, and all of this beach walking is catching up to me. Hopefully I'll just get stronger as I go.
Here's a picture of what the view looks like mid-day from the balcony. I sit out there quite a bit - how could I not?
I then went and took a walk at 8 a.m. and it was so amazing. Not too hot, not too cold, not too crowded, not too isolated, not too windy, just windy enough...truly beautiful.
Mid-day I went to the beach and just hung out and watched people. I only stayed for about an hour. I get so stressed about skin cancer than it sort of takes the relaxation aspect out of it. I realized this evening when I took another walk, that late afternoon/early evening is a better time for me to take my beach chair out there to sit a while, so I will try that tomorrow.
Here is a picture of the sunset. Gorgeous dahling!
I confirmed something about myself tonight that I've always strongly suspected. I'm a voyeur. I've always enjoyed watching people and listening to their interactions. When I was out on the balcony tonight I noticed a man across the courtyard sitting on the end of his bed. Just sitting there in the same position for a very...long...time...it's bizarre. I saw him doing the same thing last night too. He makes this indoor girl feel positively active.
I'm very sore all over today. I think the long drive, hauling the groceries and all of my CRAP into the condo, and all of this beach walking is catching up to me. Hopefully I'll just get stronger as I go.
Here's a picture of what the view looks like mid-day from the balcony. I sit out there quite a bit - how could I not?
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Day One - My Ass Hurts But It's Totally Worth It
I made it! I'm here in St. Augustine and have spent the last few hours grocery shopping, unpacking and trying to figure out the television channels.
As I drove away from my house it nearly killed me to leave Emma. She's still sick and my heart aches with sadness and guilt. But I spoke with her a little while ago and she's doing great. Such a good kid....
About an hour into my drive, I realized that I've never done a road trip by myself. Oh, I've done the one or two hours here or there but never a - load the car up to the ceiling, get a bunch of crap to eat, gas up the car (What an odyssey THAT was! There's a gas shortage in god-forsaken Georgia.), crank up the tunes and let the wind (AC) flow through my hair. I wondered why it's taken me this long to do this. I'll be 43 in a little over two weeks and I think it's a little pathetic to never have done this. It's SO past time.
The condo I'm staying in is a bit dated, which I expected because most condo complexes in Florida are, but the view from the balcony is spectacular. I can hear the ocean waves as I write this and I'm excited to be this close to the ocean for one whole month. I've never had that luxury before and I'm feeling really blessed and the humbled by it. I hope to make the best of it as I go on this yet undefined journey. I wonder what I'll walk away with from it all a month from now? What will I have learned?
For today, I learned that I could do a long drive by myself, that I can unload a crapload of stuff from my car and get it up three floors by myself, that cotton fields in southern Georgia make it look like it just snowed, that there are NO good radio stations for about 150 miles in southern Georgia, and that I love the ocean as much as I thought I did.
More tomorrow.
As I drove away from my house it nearly killed me to leave Emma. She's still sick and my heart aches with sadness and guilt. But I spoke with her a little while ago and she's doing great. Such a good kid....
About an hour into my drive, I realized that I've never done a road trip by myself. Oh, I've done the one or two hours here or there but never a - load the car up to the ceiling, get a bunch of crap to eat, gas up the car (What an odyssey THAT was! There's a gas shortage in god-forsaken Georgia.), crank up the tunes and let the wind (AC) flow through my hair. I wondered why it's taken me this long to do this. I'll be 43 in a little over two weeks and I think it's a little pathetic to never have done this. It's SO past time.
The condo I'm staying in is a bit dated, which I expected because most condo complexes in Florida are, but the view from the balcony is spectacular. I can hear the ocean waves as I write this and I'm excited to be this close to the ocean for one whole month. I've never had that luxury before and I'm feeling really blessed and the humbled by it. I hope to make the best of it as I go on this yet undefined journey. I wonder what I'll walk away with from it all a month from now? What will I have learned?
For today, I learned that I could do a long drive by myself, that I can unload a crapload of stuff from my car and get it up three floors by myself, that cotton fields in southern Georgia make it look like it just snowed, that there are NO good radio stations for about 150 miles in southern Georgia, and that I love the ocean as much as I thought I did.
More tomorrow.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Sometimes "Gosh Darn-it" Just Doesn't Cut It
In less than 36 hours I leave for my trip. The tension is building. I had hoped the excitement would be building at a higher rate of speed as well at this point but...I've been a little preoccupied with oh, I don't know...SO MUCH BULLSHIT THAT I CAN'T EVEN FOCUS ON WHICH FOOT TO PUT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER!!!
Ahem, sorry. The curse words are just flying out all over the place.
Speaking of cursing, I have this theory about human vocalization during the tough times in life. I've come to believe that it is fully appropriate, when you're handed one crapass situation after another, to end every sentence with the word "dammit".
Now, I realize that this may offend a lot of people but I guess I don't really care. I don't go around in daily conversation with others yelling "DAMMIT!" all of the time. I don't do it in front of children. And I feel strongly that unless you've been through any of what I've been through no one really has the right to judge what comes out of my mouth or when it comes out of my mouth or why. And there's really no denying it - sometimes it just feels so right. So therapeutic. So good.
Go ahead, try it. I'll get you started to show you how it's done: The water company showed up at my house yesterday to tell me that we are experiencing an unusually high usage rate, dammit. So much so that they felt that it was urgent to send someone in person to make sure there wasn't a geyser spouting up through the roof that we hadn't noticed, dammit. Instead of the usual average of 4000 gallons a month, we have used NINETY-ONE THOUSAND gallons in the last thirty days, dammit. We can't find the leak, dammit. We have to PAY someone to come out and find it AND where the hell all of those thousands of gallons of water went, dammit. In the meantime, we've had to turn off the water in the whole house, dammit. That means that no laundry can get done for my trip, dammit. I have to take dirty clothes on my RELAXING trip to the beach and do my frickin' laundry there, dammit.
This morning, Emma woke up with a 102 temperature and a pretty gnarly vomiting episode, dammit. And guess what? WE CAN'T FLUSH THE TOILET DAMMIT!!
Oh! And then! THEN!! Because of the ridiculous complete-lack-of-foresight-on-the-part-of-the-brilliant-Georgia-government-officials, it's nearly impossible to find gas for the car, dammit. That's right, most gas stations are completely out and when one does finally get a delivery, the lines can be miles long and they run out rather quickly, dammit. I have a seven hour drive on Saturday, dammit. What am I going to DO dammit?!
See how well that works?
Dammit.
Ahem, sorry. The curse words are just flying out all over the place.
Speaking of cursing, I have this theory about human vocalization during the tough times in life. I've come to believe that it is fully appropriate, when you're handed one crapass situation after another, to end every sentence with the word "dammit".
Now, I realize that this may offend a lot of people but I guess I don't really care. I don't go around in daily conversation with others yelling "DAMMIT!" all of the time. I don't do it in front of children. And I feel strongly that unless you've been through any of what I've been through no one really has the right to judge what comes out of my mouth or when it comes out of my mouth or why. And there's really no denying it - sometimes it just feels so right. So therapeutic. So good.
Go ahead, try it. I'll get you started to show you how it's done: The water company showed up at my house yesterday to tell me that we are experiencing an unusually high usage rate, dammit. So much so that they felt that it was urgent to send someone in person to make sure there wasn't a geyser spouting up through the roof that we hadn't noticed, dammit. Instead of the usual average of 4000 gallons a month, we have used NINETY-ONE THOUSAND gallons in the last thirty days, dammit. We can't find the leak, dammit. We have to PAY someone to come out and find it AND where the hell all of those thousands of gallons of water went, dammit. In the meantime, we've had to turn off the water in the whole house, dammit. That means that no laundry can get done for my trip, dammit. I have to take dirty clothes on my RELAXING trip to the beach and do my frickin' laundry there, dammit.
This morning, Emma woke up with a 102 temperature and a pretty gnarly vomiting episode, dammit. And guess what? WE CAN'T FLUSH THE TOILET DAMMIT!!
Oh! And then! THEN!! Because of the ridiculous complete-lack-of-foresight-on-the-part-of-the-brilliant-Georgia-government-officials, it's nearly impossible to find gas for the car, dammit. That's right, most gas stations are completely out and when one does finally get a delivery, the lines can be miles long and they run out rather quickly, dammit. I have a seven hour drive on Saturday, dammit. What am I going to DO dammit?!
See how well that works?
Dammit.
Monday, September 22, 2008
My Odd Love Affair
We went apple picking over the weekend....
I got lost in the orchard for a few minutes, but then I was found....
We met a cow.....
Her name was Buttercup....
And we fed her crabapples....
Sure, I really like apples and cows.
But...
I LOVE pumpkins....
My love for pumpkins is an irrational love. I just have this thing about them and I've never been able to understand it. I don't even like the color orange that much in any other part of my life, but when it comes to pumpkins, their very orangeness is just so pretty. Whenever I see a pumpkin I smile. Every single time. This big goofy grin comes across my face reflexively. Either that or I laugh. I think they're funny. I love how they're shaped and all that you can do with them. I love the season they represent. I love that they come in various sizes - from teeny-tiny to absolutely humongous. I love that when you are in a sea of them at a pumpkin farm, everything that seems wrong in life goes away for a few brief minutes and you're just surrounded by pumpkin love.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Fatso
About a year-and-a-half ago our cat, Eve, had kittens. There were three of them - Twitch, Pee-Wee and Fatso. You may think that "Fatso" is a cruel name for any living creature but there was really no other more accurate way to describe him. This kitten was fat. And a pushy. And always ravenous. And sweet. He was the most affectionate of all three of the kittens - loved to be skritched and held and cuddled. Even though he was a big pain (literally), you couldn't help but love him.
Below is a picture of all three kittens when they were a few weeks old. You can see how much bigger Fatso is than the other two. He looks like a Bratwurst next to their little sausage link bodies. He's the equivalent of two of them!
How can you not love that?
Below is a picture of all three kittens when they were a few weeks old. You can see how much bigger Fatso is than the other two. He looks like a Bratwurst next to their little sausage link bodies. He's the equivalent of two of them!
And see how his two hind legs are splayed behind him like a frog? Well, for several weeks after the other two kittens started walking steady on all four of their little paws, Fatso would have to drag himself around by his two front paws to try and keep up with them as he couldn't get those hind legs up and under him to hold his weight.
He's all grown-up now and he did not disappoint. He's lived up to his name. He's a full 14 pounds while Twitch and Eve are a mere seven. (Sadly, Pee-Wee didn't make it. She died when she was four weeks old from a lung or heart disorder - the vet wasn't sure.)
The great thing about Fatso is that he's so easygoing and so funny. He loves water and will splash around in it and waits to get into the shower after I get out in hopes that I left the water running a little bit for him to play with. He sleeps in the bathroom sink. He loves hair scrunchies. He lets Emma dress him up. And he purrs and purrs as soon as you touch him. Emma calls him her little brother because he just wants to be with her and be held by her and hang out with her. He thinks she's cool.
He even has a favorite way he likes Emma to carry him around. It gives her a good arm workout and gives him great, ahem, exposure....
How can you not love that?
Friday, September 19, 2008
Seeing Through the Fog
I'm stressed. I won't lie. I'm terribly stressed. There are many things going on that I haven't written about here yet for many reasons - they're really personal and involve people that I don't want to "out" here on my blog, I'm the type of person that has to live with something internally for a while before I can talk about it, I'm lazy, I'm overwhelmed, I don't know how to put words to some of it yet......blah blah blah. All sorts of reasons why I'm not writing about them.
A huge part of my stress is that I don't know how to calm the chaos of it all. How to get some of this stuff ironed out. It just is what it is and a lot of it is out of my control. That's hard for a type-A person like myself to accept and be okay with. I struggle with my faith (that's a story for another post someday) so it's hard to trust God with all of it. I'm trying though and I guess there's a lot of value and hope in that.
A huge part of my stress is that I don't know how to calm the chaos of it all. How to get some of this stuff ironed out. It just is what it is and a lot of it is out of my control. That's hard for a type-A person like myself to accept and be okay with. I struggle with my faith (that's a story for another post someday) so it's hard to trust God with all of it. I'm trying though and I guess there's a lot of value and hope in that.
As I grumbled and mumbled my way through the day today I tried to get stuff done - laundry, cleaning, getting organized for my trip, work, swim practice for Emma, errands to the video store, dry cleaners and grocery store...
As I went from aisle to aisle through the grocery store in my fog of being so pissed off and discouraged, my phone rings. It's my sister. She had just gotten out of an appointment with her oncologist and my stomach clenched. Her numbers had spiked in recent weeks which could be an indication that the cancer has progressed. We had been waiting for the results from a scan for the last week and the anxiety had reached new heights. We've been through this scenario many times over the last twenty some odd years with the various family members with cancer, but it's still pretty scary each and every time.
I pulled my cart over to the side of the floral department and waited for her to tell me what was up, preparing myself for the worst. Then she spoke, "Well, the doctor said that everything is fine. Things are no worse!"
Suddenly, I saw through the fog of my frustration and stress. I saw an image of my sister standing strong and happy and beautiful - relieved to be given this reprieve - and I was so happy for her. And for myself. I need my sister.
Her good news didn't solve any of my other problems, of course, but it sure helped me keep it all in better perspective. It made me feel hopeful that some of this other stuff can work itself out too if I just keep trying my best with what I can control and let go of the rest.
Let go of the rest. That'll be hard, I thought. But I'll keep working on it.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
An ACTUAL Guilt Trip
Sheesh, I'm cranky today. Illness has hit the house, we got screwed by a customer, I forgot to take my heartburn medicine last night so my chest and gut are burning, I didn't sleep well, there were some glitches with the work I was trying to finish and I'm worried about my sister. I'm snappy and impatient and I'm doing a lot of eye rolling at everybody.
I've decided to write a little note to Emma for every day I'm gone so I worked on that today too and frankly, I think that has tipped things over the edge for me. I guess it just left me feeling sad and guilty on top of all of the other stuff going on right now.
But in a way, I'm beginning to feel like my guilt about this trip is becoming a bit self-indulgent. It's got a tinge of martyrdom to it and if I let it, it will taint all of the goodness that this trip can provide me - ruin all that this luxurious opportunity has to offer. It's important that I find a way to to keep it all in perspective and not let it spiral into this cesspool of self-inflicted emotional bullshit.
And, iIf I'm being honest, I can admit that making these little notes is also kind of fun! I've included a little treat in each note - some gum or candy, pictures, cold hard cash, $5 gift cards, etc. Just a little something from me to let her know that I'm thinking about her and to make her smile. I've also bought some little gifts - a stuffed animal, a travel game, some fun toiletries in a pretty bag - and I'm going to hide them around the house before I leave and put clues in a few of the notes so she can have fun finding the goodies.
Deep sigh. My dear Emma. What a great kid. She's going to be fine. I'll be fine. We'll be fine. Everything will be just fine.
I've decided to write a little note to Emma for every day I'm gone so I worked on that today too and frankly, I think that has tipped things over the edge for me. I guess it just left me feeling sad and guilty on top of all of the other stuff going on right now.
But in a way, I'm beginning to feel like my guilt about this trip is becoming a bit self-indulgent. It's got a tinge of martyrdom to it and if I let it, it will taint all of the goodness that this trip can provide me - ruin all that this luxurious opportunity has to offer. It's important that I find a way to to keep it all in perspective and not let it spiral into this cesspool of self-inflicted emotional bullshit.
And, iIf I'm being honest, I can admit that making these little notes is also kind of fun! I've included a little treat in each note - some gum or candy, pictures, cold hard cash, $5 gift cards, etc. Just a little something from me to let her know that I'm thinking about her and to make her smile. I've also bought some little gifts - a stuffed animal, a travel game, some fun toiletries in a pretty bag - and I'm going to hide them around the house before I leave and put clues in a few of the notes so she can have fun finding the goodies.
Deep sigh. My dear Emma. What a great kid. She's going to be fine. I'll be fine. We'll be fine. Everything will be just fine.
Monday, September 15, 2008
ENOUGH!!
Barack. Sarah. Biden. McCain. Obama. John. Joe. Palin.
I know it's important. Probably the most important election in recent history. I get. I totally get it.
But if I hear any of those names one. more. time. I think I'm going haul off and chuck the television out the window.
I know it's important. Probably the most important election in recent history. I get. I totally get it.
But if I hear any of those names one. more. time. I think I'm going haul off and chuck the television out the window.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Two Weeks From Today...
...I'll be leaving for St. Augustine. I've spent much of this past week making final arrangements for Emma and things are coming together. It makes me feel better to get that stuff ironed out. There's no way I'm not going to worry about her, but when I can minimize some of the chaos in my mind about it, it's eases the fussing for me. I know that she'll be okay. She's excited about going to the beach too! It will be an adventure for all involved in the end I think, even if it doesn't feel like that every minute that we're separated.
Yikes. I'm excited!
Yikes. I'm excited!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
A Hell of a Town
It's been seven years since that horrifying day. Although I didn't personally know anyone that died on September 11th, I remember feeling indignant that this was done to "my people." Even though we lived in Georgia when it happened, I still considered myself a New Yorker - and I still do.
New York City is a the city as far as I'm concerned and it holds a special place and history in my heart. I'll have a glass of wine tonight and make a toast to all of those that were lost and to the families that still miss them. My heart aches for them to this day. I suppose it will never stop hurting to remember.
Here's to you New York. Thanks for all of the wonderful things that you are.
New York City is a the city as far as I'm concerned and it holds a special place and history in my heart. I'll have a glass of wine tonight and make a toast to all of those that were lost and to the families that still miss them. My heart aches for them to this day. I suppose it will never stop hurting to remember.
Here's to you New York. Thanks for all of the wonderful things that you are.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Here's To Good Friends
I'm feeling guilty about going away in a few weeks. On a bad day (today is kind of a bad day) I feel like it's so wrong to leave Emma. But the more time that passes and the more I think about it, I'm realizing that there's probably no way to not feel guilty about it. (Yeah, I know, double negatives. Whatev.)
I think that when Emma was born I also gave birth to The Guilt That Will Never Go Away - Ever. It's like a living breathing thing sometimes and right now it has the back of my shirt between its teeth and is trying to get a tighter grip and pull me back so hard that I'll stay right where I am and not go on this adventure.
But I have to go on this adventure. I have to do this. There's no way to explain it fully but it's something I know deep inside - I have to go. But knowing this does not mean that it will be easy or that I will always feel good about it or be at peace with it. My hope and goal is to come back all the better for it - that, in the long run, I'll be a better mom and a better person overall.
I've decided not to tell too many people about my plans because I frankly don't need the judgements or questions that will inevitably come up. But during the last few months, as this inkling of an idea became a reality, I've been given many gifts from various people. Some of them practical, some of them emotional and some of them spiritual. The few that I've decided to tell, I trust obviously, and one friend in particular gave me a wonderful gift and I don't think she even realizes it.
I've known "T" since the 6th grade. I had just moved from rural Ohio where I went to a small private school to a public school in New York. Culture shock does not even begin to describe how hard the transition was. But on the first day, T led a small group of girls up to me and introduced herself and the rest, as they say, is history. She is part of some of the best and funniest memories of my life. I can't get into many of the details because some of the antics we got ourselves involved in will probably have to go to our graves with us - I'm not sure there's a statute of limitations on some our shenanigans.
A while back, I told T about my upcoming adventure in an e-mail and this was her reply:
"Rachel, for the first time in many years I feel you are getting back in touch with your true real self. This is wonderful. This is the Rachel I have known and loved for a long time - not some scared person!!! Adventurous and fun loving - that's you! Chuck the guilt out the window and do it!!!!"
My first thought was, She's right - I WAS adventurous! I forgot all about that...
It's so sad to me that I forgot about that part of myself. I used to know how to really kick it. Before people I loved started dying every year or so, I used to be a pretty free-spirited and brave gal. I mean, don't get me wrong, I think surviving all that I have takes courage and I'm proud of myself for finding that courage every. single. day. but it also takes guts to be adventurous and I lost that somewhere along the way a long time ago.
I appreciated T's words so much because it came from someone that has known me longer than anyone else (outside of my siblings and father) and it was great to get that reminder from the person in my life that "knew me when." The person that remembered the Rachel before all of the losses began. The person that remembered her even when I forgot about her. What a gift.
So thanks T. I love you and am so glad that you're still in my life after all of these years. Your friendship means so much.
I think that when Emma was born I also gave birth to The Guilt That Will Never Go Away - Ever. It's like a living breathing thing sometimes and right now it has the back of my shirt between its teeth and is trying to get a tighter grip and pull me back so hard that I'll stay right where I am and not go on this adventure.
But I have to go on this adventure. I have to do this. There's no way to explain it fully but it's something I know deep inside - I have to go. But knowing this does not mean that it will be easy or that I will always feel good about it or be at peace with it. My hope and goal is to come back all the better for it - that, in the long run, I'll be a better mom and a better person overall.
I've decided not to tell too many people about my plans because I frankly don't need the judgements or questions that will inevitably come up. But during the last few months, as this inkling of an idea became a reality, I've been given many gifts from various people. Some of them practical, some of them emotional and some of them spiritual. The few that I've decided to tell, I trust obviously, and one friend in particular gave me a wonderful gift and I don't think she even realizes it.
I've known "T" since the 6th grade. I had just moved from rural Ohio where I went to a small private school to a public school in New York. Culture shock does not even begin to describe how hard the transition was. But on the first day, T led a small group of girls up to me and introduced herself and the rest, as they say, is history. She is part of some of the best and funniest memories of my life. I can't get into many of the details because some of the antics we got ourselves involved in will probably have to go to our graves with us - I'm not sure there's a statute of limitations on some our shenanigans.
A while back, I told T about my upcoming adventure in an e-mail and this was her reply:
"Rachel, for the first time in many years I feel you are getting back in touch with your true real self. This is wonderful. This is the Rachel I have known and loved for a long time - not some scared person!!! Adventurous and fun loving - that's you! Chuck the guilt out the window and do it!!!!"
My first thought was, She's right - I WAS adventurous! I forgot all about that...
It's so sad to me that I forgot about that part of myself. I used to know how to really kick it. Before people I loved started dying every year or so, I used to be a pretty free-spirited and brave gal. I mean, don't get me wrong, I think surviving all that I have takes courage and I'm proud of myself for finding that courage every. single. day. but it also takes guts to be adventurous and I lost that somewhere along the way a long time ago.
I appreciated T's words so much because it came from someone that has known me longer than anyone else (outside of my siblings and father) and it was great to get that reminder from the person in my life that "knew me when." The person that remembered the Rachel before all of the losses began. The person that remembered her even when I forgot about her. What a gift.
So thanks T. I love you and am so glad that you're still in my life after all of these years. Your friendship means so much.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Much Worse Than Any Heartbreak of My Own
Imagine your five best friends. Now imagine the one from that group, out of all of them, that you feel sure will never be the one to hurt you. Now imagine that that person didn't invite you to her birthday party this Friday night. Now imagine this happening to you when you're twelve.
That has been our life for the last 24 hours.
I will never understand it. It will never not make me angry. I can never make it okay.
My daughter's heart getting broken has broken mine.
That has been our life for the last 24 hours.
I will never understand it. It will never not make me angry. I can never make it okay.
My daughter's heart getting broken has broken mine.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Another Trip Down Memory Lane
Last Friday I tried to save something to my "Favorites" file on AOL but a message popped up telling me that the file had reached its maximum limit of 2500 items. I was mildly annoyed (why should there be a limit?) but decided to spend part of the weekend cleaning it out.
It was bizarre. There were things in there from the late 1990s. My daughter was only a preschooler. I had saved articles about illnesses she had then, craft projects I did with her and wanted to remember, hotel information for vacations we took and order receipts for cute little outfits I had bought for her online.
There were also a lot of things from the various relationships and friendships I've had in the past ten years or so. Funny items found on the internet that I've shared with others and they've shared with me - an article about "Padiddle", YouTube music videos and blog links. There were also links to travel sites that I was interested in - exotic destinations. And a lot of recipes that I had forgotten about that I want to try again sometime soon.
I was surprised by how it made me feel. I shouldn't have been after what happened last week with the old family photos, but I was. It was bittersweet. Emma's grown up so much and although I'm thrilled with the person she's turning out to be, it was kind of sad to know that the days of her childhood are now numbered.
It was also sad to be reminded of old friends - ones that I've lost touch with or who have lost touch with me. The fact that we aren't part of each others daily lives anymore hurts. Maybe I'll try to get in touch with some of them....
I found the memory guestbook that was set up when my brother died. It zipped me back to that horrible time when he went missing and then was found ten days later. Reading the guestbook entries again was heartbreaking.
I was also reminded of all of the shopping I've done. Yikes! Many, many, MANY order confirmations and purchase receipts. No wonder we have so much crap and so little money. I'll need to work on curbing that.
It was amazing how many of the things that I had saved were "no longer available" or "link not found." They had become obsolete - no longer relevant in that particular website's opinion.
In the past few months, my internet connection has been really slow. Videos weren't playing well. Some articles took forever to download because of the graphics or photos included in the article. E-mails were not getting to me or ones that I had sent were getting kicked back as "undeliverable." It has been annoying the heck out of me.
After several hours spent on this project (more than I thought it would take) my Favorites file was finally purged. It felt great. I felt like I had just cleaned out a huge closet - organized a few things, cleared out some cobwebs and said a few goodbyes.
The greatest part was that my internet connection started running so smoothly and so fast! I had no idea that all of the muck in that one file was taking up so much functional space on my internet connection. Now that I cleared away all of the junk, there's space for the good stuff - the stuff I want access to now.
I'm finding out that the rest of my life, off the internet, is becoming like that too. As I begin to clear away the cobwebs of my past, clean out the junk in my mind that is irrelevant to me anymore, there's now room for things that are good for me - things and people that are good to me too. I'm forgiving myself for mistakes I've made and forgiving others for mistakes they've made. I am breathing easier and grateful for grace - the kind I receive and the kind I am privileged enough to extend to others.
It's a good place to be and I feel happy and at peace in a way I haven't for a long time now.
It was bizarre. There were things in there from the late 1990s. My daughter was only a preschooler. I had saved articles about illnesses she had then, craft projects I did with her and wanted to remember, hotel information for vacations we took and order receipts for cute little outfits I had bought for her online.
There were also a lot of things from the various relationships and friendships I've had in the past ten years or so. Funny items found on the internet that I've shared with others and they've shared with me - an article about "Padiddle", YouTube music videos and blog links. There were also links to travel sites that I was interested in - exotic destinations. And a lot of recipes that I had forgotten about that I want to try again sometime soon.
I was surprised by how it made me feel. I shouldn't have been after what happened last week with the old family photos, but I was. It was bittersweet. Emma's grown up so much and although I'm thrilled with the person she's turning out to be, it was kind of sad to know that the days of her childhood are now numbered.
It was also sad to be reminded of old friends - ones that I've lost touch with or who have lost touch with me. The fact that we aren't part of each others daily lives anymore hurts. Maybe I'll try to get in touch with some of them....
I found the memory guestbook that was set up when my brother died. It zipped me back to that horrible time when he went missing and then was found ten days later. Reading the guestbook entries again was heartbreaking.
I was also reminded of all of the shopping I've done. Yikes! Many, many, MANY order confirmations and purchase receipts. No wonder we have so much crap and so little money. I'll need to work on curbing that.
It was amazing how many of the things that I had saved were "no longer available" or "link not found." They had become obsolete - no longer relevant in that particular website's opinion.
In the past few months, my internet connection has been really slow. Videos weren't playing well. Some articles took forever to download because of the graphics or photos included in the article. E-mails were not getting to me or ones that I had sent were getting kicked back as "undeliverable." It has been annoying the heck out of me.
After several hours spent on this project (more than I thought it would take) my Favorites file was finally purged. It felt great. I felt like I had just cleaned out a huge closet - organized a few things, cleared out some cobwebs and said a few goodbyes.
The greatest part was that my internet connection started running so smoothly and so fast! I had no idea that all of the muck in that one file was taking up so much functional space on my internet connection. Now that I cleared away all of the junk, there's space for the good stuff - the stuff I want access to now.
I'm finding out that the rest of my life, off the internet, is becoming like that too. As I begin to clear away the cobwebs of my past, clean out the junk in my mind that is irrelevant to me anymore, there's now room for things that are good for me - things and people that are good to me too. I'm forgiving myself for mistakes I've made and forgiving others for mistakes they've made. I am breathing easier and grateful for grace - the kind I receive and the kind I am privileged enough to extend to others.
It's a good place to be and I feel happy and at peace in a way I haven't for a long time now.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Monday, September 1, 2008
A Word or Two about the Photo in the Previous Post...
Let me preface this by saying that Emma is a very smart girl. She gets straight A's in school and gets them pretty easily compared to many of her peers. She's in a couple of advanced classes - two of them for high school credit and she's only in the 7th grade. I feel the need to say all of this, not to brag, but because the following little story will make you question her intelligence. But I assure you that she's not ignorant. She's just eternally literal. I could regale you with lots of stories to prove this to you but the following should more than suffice....
I knew I wanted to get a picture of my big red purse yesterday for the blog so I told Emma to, "Hurry up and get dressed so I can take a picture of you with my purse." Here's how the conversation went from there:
Emma: "How are you going to do that?"
Me: "Do what?"
Emma: "Take my picture."
Me (replying rather impatiently): "What do you mean? I'll just do it."
Emma still looks confused but doesn't say anything.
Me (again, rather impatiently): "Why do you look so confused? What are you not getting?"
Emma: "I just don't understand how your purse is going to take my picture."
Now, imagine both Emma and her dad doing that, all day long, every single day, for oh I don't know...that last DECADE!!
You can understand why I need to get away.
I knew I wanted to get a picture of my big red purse yesterday for the blog so I told Emma to, "Hurry up and get dressed so I can take a picture of you with my purse." Here's how the conversation went from there:
Emma: "How are you going to do that?"
Me: "Do what?"
Emma: "Take my picture."
Me (replying rather impatiently): "What do you mean? I'll just do it."
Emma still looks confused but doesn't say anything.
Me (again, rather impatiently): "Why do you look so confused? What are you not getting?"
Emma: "I just don't understand how your purse is going to take my picture."
Now, imagine both Emma and her dad doing that, all day long, every single day, for oh I don't know...that last DECADE!!
You can understand why I need to get away.
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