Another Year Goes By...

Time passing is a big (HUGE! actually) issue for me. It's hard to explain to people without sounding a little crazy. I suppose it is kind of crazy - born of a crazy set of circumstances. But it's a topic too big for my hangover to take on right now so it'll be a subject matter for a future post. Right now, I will just list a few of my goals for 2009. I hope to reach 2010 a better person than the one that rang in 2009. She ain't bad but...there's always - ALWAYS - room for improvement....

Goals For the Year 2009

Swear less. (dammit)

Become gainfully employed and ease my family's money woes.

Let go, once and for all, of a lost friendship that still hurts my heart (it's hard to accept that this person doesn't give one wit about me anymore and I need to find a way to move on for good).

Spend more time with my growing daughter to stay connected for the turbulent years to come.

Take a class - yoga? pilates? creative writing? swing dance? I dunno yet...

Meet a transvestite.

Hopefully travel more.

Plan my next adventure.

Use fewer exclamation points - excitement is good but I think I'll try to actually have more of it in life than just in my writing about life. (Thus the desire to meet a transvestite - wouldn't that be a hoot?)

Take better care of my house.

Have a grown-up party.

Take on a new fashion that I'm normally too shy to attempt.

Find grace.

Give grace.

Create more.

Pray more.

Write more.

Laugh more.

Love more...always try to love more....

So Very Scary....(I'm really not that slutty)

The following is an actual e-mail conversation I recently had with my friend T. It all started when she sent me a photo she found on Facebook. (which I won't show here but it was of a big fat dude with graying hair) Note: The names of some people have been changed to protect their privacy. (And also to protect my ass!)

T: Do you know who this is?
Hint: you made out with him years ago. ( I know that does not narrow things down much!!!)

R: What the...?! I have no idea! I made out with him? Tell me! Tell me!

T: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. Facebook...
A hint : he had dark hair and glasses then!

R: That can't be John Barrett! Did he wear glasses? Who else had glasses? It's so scary to me that I can't pinpoint it. Is he from N. High School? I'm such a slut...

T: I'm really torturing you...aren't I? Yes! N. High School. Not when we were there though.....

R: David Russell? He didn't wear glasses did he? I will be stunned if that's who it is! I can't think of who else I made out with that was older (or younger).

T: Brother of someone special.....

R: Jennie's brother? No freaking way!

T: Nope... someone who was a bit heavy then....This is fun...I never knew you made out with Jennie's brother - you slut!

R: A bit heavy! Hmmm...I didn't really go for the pudgy fellas. You sure it was ME that made out with him? I can't think of who it is at all.
PS - Yeah, me and Jennie's brother. I don't know what it is with me my friend's brothers. I promise that I never got it on with Scott or Bobby. {T's brothers}

T: Thank goodness...well we know it wouldn't be Bobby.....we annoyed the hell out of him! Anyway,the someone special was someone special to ME in high school. Now you will get it!!!!

R: I thought about that. Mike Mitchell {T's ex-boyfriend} didn't have a brother did he? You didn't really have any other special someones back then did you? Who was that guy from that local college you dated?

T: It must be early Alzheimer's "Mike Mitchell didn't have a brother did he?" An older brother, who delivered the mail perhaps.....I think you are trying to forget!!!!
Here's my final hint: I guess Donna was right about you...

R: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I just tried to call you....The only thing that finally tipped me off was the mention of Donna. I remember how she was kinda big, had a lot of blondish hair and hated me. I didn't remember that Mike Mitchell had a brother, I don't remember the dude's name (even now), I don't remember him being a mailman, I don't remember one detail of how it all happened. Do YOU? When did we make-out? Where? Was he any good? Was it more than once? Ewwwww!!!

I am such a hussy...

So Much Going On Lately

It's been a crazy couple of weeks. Good things and bad. It all started when Emma asked if she could have a Christmas party. "Sure!" I said. Then she asked if we could have it the evening of the last day of school before the holiday break. "Sure!" I said. Then she asked if she could invite 11 girls. "Sure!" I said. But as the time got closer and closer and things kept piling up on my schedule, all I could think was, "FOOL!"

The party went off without a hitch though and was so much fun! I had no idea middle school girls were so LOUD. The screaming. Oh the high pitched screaming that went on. What a hoot. They decorated cookies, danced, listened to music, played Wii and Twister, and then did the ornament game. It was kinda scary at one point though because as I stood at the bottom of the stairs and listened to them being nuts up in Emma's room I thought, I can totally picture this same group of girls playing quarters in a few years. Hoo-boy it should be interesting...

Sadly, while all of that party planning was going on, I got a call from my friend, Lynne. Her father died rather suddenly. He had pancreatic cancer and had a successful surgery but succumbed to a secondary infection he got in the hospital. It seems so cruel to me...to survive that tough procedure only lose his life to something secondary feels so tragic.

His funeral was the day after the party in North Carolina six hours away so we got up at 4:30 that morning and were able to spend the day with Lynne and her family. It was great to see them even if the circumstances were so tough. His name was George and he was a dear friend. He was one of my college professors and was good to my family in our times of need over the years. I will miss you George. And I'm so sorry Lynne.

Last week was also finals week for Emma. This year has been tough academically but Emma pulled it off. Two high school level classes and she got straight A's across the board again. What a kid!

My brother and sister flew in yesterday and are staying here. Our family has dwindled in numbers over the years so it's not the same raucous affair of the past but I am so very thankful that they are here on this earth still and part of our holiday. I love them dearly.

It is now Christmas Eve and I'm thinking about all of these things and feeling so many different emotions. It's been quite a year. I feel sad for lost family. Sad for lost friendships. Worried about our personal financial situation and the whole country's situation for that matter. Proud of my daughter. Proud of myself. Love for my family. Love for those that have seen the best in me even when I couldn't see it in myself. Happy that I had an adventure of my own this year and hoping to have another one someday. Curious about the coming year and hoping that it's better for everyone. I think 2008 has worn us all plum out, as they say here in the south.

Merry Christmas and God bless!

Yo.u K'now, It's Ti;me.,.'.

...to clean your laptop computer screen when you're constantly thinking that you've mistakenly put periods, commas, semi-colons and apostrophes inappropriately mid-word and mid-sentence in your writing.

What If I Just Let Myself Fall?

A strange thing is happening to me lately. I feel it coming back. Threatening. The dark cloud always ready to consume me. The living, breathing beast that is depression.

I feel like it's always an undercurrent of my life every single day. Something that I have to battle and resist and make conscious choices about daily. Every day when I wake up I am a dichotomy of thoughts - knowing how unbelievably fortunate I am to have another day to wake up to, but also having to make the deliberate choice to get out of bed and live another day. To do. To be.

To mother. Thank God that I have to mother.

I've gotten so used to this fight against depression - and prevailing over it - that I was surprised yesterday when I had the thought for the very first time ever, What if I just gave in to it? What if I just stopped fighting it and let myself fall into that black hole again?

The idea of it both scared me and liberated me. That year of deep depression scares the hell out of me almost more than anything else. But it would also be a relief to stop the exhausting battle. To just let myself feel it all. Wallow in it. Roll around in it. Bathe in it.

But what a bore. My story and all of my reasons why I'm depressed are so boring. Real and valid to me, yes, but my pain is no worse in degree to almost anybody else's pain. We all have shit and mine is not special or more important. To let it take over me again seems so selfish and self-indulgent.

What to do...? What to do...? I think for today I will fight it again. Not let myself succumb to it. I will prevail again. The fight is worth it. People are counting on me and I need to win this one.

Tomorrow? I'll just make that decision then.

Just Call Me Scrooge

I'm a nice person. I like Christmas. The gift-giving. The food. The parties. I love all of the pretty decorations and lights. I really do.

But almost nothing pisses me off more than decorating my own house. Every year I absolutely dread it. And every year I try to talk myself out of being pissed off about it. And every year I end up furious and in desperate need of alcohol.

I don't know what it is. It's so irrational. With every faux-pine garland I hang and every light I plug in, my grumbling gets louder (and more foul-mouthed) and my facial expressions gets scarier. Everyone in the house starts giving me wide berth whenever they pass by me and they try desperately to lay low.

Maybe it's because it takes two solid days to get it done. Maybe it's because I know I just have to turn around and take it all down again in three or four weeks. Maybe it's because I don't like to do anything halfway and I don't have the money, talent or time to do it the way I really want to do it. Maybe it's because Christmas stresses me out. Maybe it's just because I'm being bitchy.

It's all rather discouraging whatever it is.

But! It's done! I spent the last two days doing it - ALL day both days - and now it's done. And it does look pretty. I'm glad I did it. But I'm more glad it's done.

At least until the mother-%#*&$ first week of January anyway.