A K-Mart Life

Last spring we were in Hilton Head and while we were there we made a trip to Fresh Market. Have you ever been there? It's a gourmet grocery store with funky items and tons of fresh-made goodies. It's amazing how much I love it considering how much I hate to cook. I think it's the bakery. Fresh baked pies and cakes and breads and cookies - yum!

Emma and I stood looking at all of the exotic oils and dressings with their beautiful labels and un-prounouncable names. I picked one off the shelf and said to her, "I want to live a Fresh Market life, Emma, but I fear that I live a K-Mart life."

I think it was about one of the saddest things I've ever said.

When I imagined my adult life during my teen and twenties I thought it would be beautiful. I thought I would be surrounded by beautiful things and that I would be spending my days doing things I loved - a job I enjoyed, a home that reflected my tastes, a family emotionally intact.

None of those things have come true, I'm afraid, and I'm absolutely miserable about it.

Some of it falls squarely on my shoulders, but some of it...does not. Life has a way of nudging and elbowing its will upon you until you sometimes don't even recognize it as yours anymore.

In many ways, I feel like I've given up. Like I'm simply too exhausted to fight it. Somewhere along the way I just...surrendered. Pure resignation. This is just how it is, I say to myself. None of us have the life we wanted. The one we dreamed of.

But for some people, what has happened instead is MORE than they could have ever hoped for in ways that they never imagined.

But..for some of us...it's just a disappointment.

"Expectation is the root of all heartache." said William Shakespeare. Man, no wonder he's famous for his writing. No one ever nailed it better. Such a simple concept yet lost on so many.

These days I'm working on lowering my expectations - of people, of life, of God, of my marriage. But I'll be honest, it feels so very sad to me.  To strive to accept a K-Mart life when I so desperately wanted the Fresh Market life.

Disappointment sucks.

Unconditional Love

Is it possible? Is unconditional love attainable?

I remember back in college, my boyfriend at the time wasn't treating me all that well and we were headed towards a break-up. I was heartbroken and sought the advice of the college pastor. He said, "My best advice to you is to just keep loving and keep loving and keep loving him, no matter what. It doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do, just be loving in return."

What a foreign concept that was to me! Just keep taking it? Just always respond with love? How can I do that when he isn't treating me well? Aren't I just setting myself up to be a doormat? I was confused, but intrigued.

Years later, well into my adulthood, I had a friend hurt me very badly - very unfairly. I was so confused and angry and hurt and bewildered. My first human instinct was to respond in kind. To lash out. To make clear that I would not be treated this way by anyone. (So there!)

In the midst of all of that pain and anger, I had a lightening bolt - an epiphany. What if if just decided to be who I wanted to be no matter who she chose to be?  What if I - in spite of her horrible behavior - just chose to be kind in return? What if I offered grace even when no grace was offered to me? What if I behaved lovingly towards her even though she behaved so hatefully towards me? What if I chose that from this moment on, NOTHING and NO ONE would change who I wanted to be? I think a seed was planted years earlier by that college pastor that was to become revolutionary for me. It made me feel powerful over so much hurt and hatred - not just in my personal life - but in a more global sense.

Then, a couple of years ago, I came across a quote that changed my life - ROCKED MY WORLD. It solidified all that had been forming in my mind and in my heart about this business of loving unconditionally...

"I could not think of being unkind, even to a mortal enemy. It would hurt me. I see so much unkindness in the world, and there is no excuse for me to add to it. When you love God, and when you see God in every soul, you cannot be mean. If someone behaves hurtfully toward you, think of the best ways to behave lovingly toward him." ~ Paramahansa Yogananda

Isn't that absolutely fantastic?! To just decide that NO MATTER WHAT you will be loving and kind to others. That by doing so, you would show God's love through you to others. That you no longer have the burden of one-upmanship or gaining the upper hand or "winning" or getting even or playing the games that we so often get stuck in with other people.

It's so simple. Be kind - no matter what. Let that be your natural reaction - no matter what. Extend grace - no matter what. Be loving - no matter what.Whether or not someone deserves your kindness or grace or love is no longer your problem or burden to carry. You have already chosen who you are going to be and you're going to be someone that extends loving kindness no. matter. what.

Truly amazing.

Recently, I was reading a novel and one of the characters was a priest and he was having a discussion with a man who was seeking - truth, enlightenment, understanding - about some terrible heartache and pain he was experiencing. The priest said to the man, "The question is, what would happen to your life and your world if you were somehow able to erase from your mind, your heart, and your memory - from your very existence, in fact - the motivation, 'What is in it for me?'"

Unconditional love. You just love because it's good and right and kind. You care about the other person more than your own agenda, more than your own feelings, more than your own needs and wants.

Impossible? I don't think so. Hard? Yes, extremely.

But so very worth it.

Eleven Years

There have been no words invented in the last eleven years that are adequate enough to describe the absolutely overwhelming sadness that this day brings. So much pain. So much hatred. And yet, we're all united in our love for the people that lost their lives that day and their families that were left behind. May God give them a peace today that surpasses all understanding.

Lonely

I've been extraordinarily lonely lately.

It's such a powerful force, loneliness. It can drive us to do things that we know we shouldn't. Acts of mild desperation that leave us feeling humiliated and needy. Texting someone when you know full well that they're not all that interested in what you're trying to talk about. Staging "spontaneous" run-ins with someone you very much want to see but who is clearly too busy to want to see you. Pretending to be interested in something/someone just so that person will engage with you in any way. Not committing to things that you know are best for you and your interests because someone that you want to spend time with might get in touch and want to grace you with an hour or two of their time when you could have - should have - been doing something that's better for you in the long run.

It's all just leaves you with such an awful feeling.

I read a blog about a lady who lost her husband suddenly last October and then started dating her husband's best friend not long after. She seems like a lovely lady. Nothing untoward or inappropriate about her or her actions necessarily, but it just seems so...wrong. So ill-timed. So desperate. Her latest blog entry is a photo of her new beau on bended knee proposing to her and her caption that reads, "He asked. I said yes." Less than a year after losing her husband suddenly. A good husband, one that she was very much in love with, if I am to believe all of her posts about him. All I want to feel is happy for her, but what I really feel is, Crap! TOO SOON!! You have no idea the years of grief in front of you and how complex that grief is going to get - for you and your two sons. And now you're going to have to do it with a new husband that, in spite of his best efforts to be selfless and understanding and supportive of you, will still have his own needs and ideas of what your life together should be like! WAIT A BIT! Give this some more time!

But...she didn't ask me how I felt about it. Hell, I don't even know her. I just find it a striking example of what a human being will do to feel less alone in the world. Grief is an intensely isolating experience because no one can really know how you feel or exactly what you're going through and no one can really help you through it. They can try on some small level, but only you can walk through it, and it has to be you and only you - alone.

My father-in-law (FIL) left my mother-in-law (MIL) for his mistress. They got married and seemed to have a good life together. They truly cared for and loved each other. There was an obvious affection between them that was awfully sweet to watch. Especially when my step-mother-in-law (SMIL) became ill with cancer and died not long after. My FIL took such good care of her and was devastated and a bit lost without her it seemed.

Four months later he remarried my MIL.

It wasn't until years later that we found out  that when he suddenly disappeared from my SMIL's funeral dinner for a couple of hours, he had gone home to call my MIL and profess his love for her.

What the hell??

I judged him. Of course I judged him. But then I realized just how afraid he was to be alone - even for a day. That somehow he just wasn't comfortable enough with himself to be with himself - just him - for any amount of time. That his loneliness was his driving force, no matter the outcome or societal norms or even proper etiquette. That's powerful stuff.

I have several friends that are in marriages that demean them, compromise them, chip away at them and who they want to be, but who remain. Who don't want to rock the boat for fear of being alone. Who are avoiding being alone at the cost of so much - in some cases at the cost of everything else about themselves and their lives that they used to hold dear and hold such high standards to. Who, in the end, no matter what they used to profess to be and what they used to want for their lives, will stay at all costs.

I think about my own marriage and how utterly isolating it is. How hopeless I feel about it and my life. I think about how I sit here writing all of this in a blog post because I don't have one friend that I feel I can be completely open and honest with about the truth of my life and how deeply miserable and hopeless I am.

I think about how I've gone "underground" lately - no Facebooking, texting, get-togethers, lunches, GNO, phone calls or e-mailing. And you know what? NO ONE'S NOTICED.

Yup, utterly alone.

I'm not sure what it is about me that makes me so disposable to others. So easy to risk losing. So easy to walk away from. My guess is that I'm terribly annoying and just can't get my shit together enough to figure out what it is that turn others off from me so much. I've struggled with this for years and have come to no conclusions.

I don't write this soliciting pity (I mean, seriously, who would pity me? No one reads this! LOL!) or with any deep thoughts or even an inkling of a solution to any of it. I write this to get it down. To explore the subject. To take a step by giving it a voice. To say out loud that I feel this way and maybe others do too. To wonder at the powerfulness of loneliness and the lengths we'll go to avoid it. How much we're willing to sacrifice just to not be alone.

I read a quote recently that reminded me of myself. Who I'm becoming. How I'm turning inward in response to feeling hurt and misunderstood and so very uninteresting to others...

"She, who learned to protect by staying silent; who learned to stay safe by disappearing inside.”

That's what's happening to me. It's a struggle to interact with others anymore. Since I'm not sure what I'm doing to turn others off so much, I am becoming more silent to protect myself and more internal to remain safer from the wreckage that the constant rejection is causing.

It's a self-preservation thing. An alternative to the pain that rejection causes. William Shakespeare said, "Expectation is the root of all heartache." I believe that wholeheartedly. Lower my expectations, lower my hurt.

That's the goal right now. Just lower the pain level please.

I'm begging you life. Please.

Overriding Theme Going On Here

I've just read through some of my recent posts and there seems to be a common theme - fatigue. I keep whining about how tired I am. It prompted me to look back over some recent e-mails and the same thing is happening there too.

I'm actually beyond tired. I feel...bankrupt. Completely spent. Nothing left.

The bitch of it is that I need to keep going. I have to. Too many people need me and I can't stop to fill up the tank. I'm a car running on fumes and frankly, I'm a little worried that I'll end up in an emotional ditch somewhere and no one will be able to find me. The real me - the one I want to be - will be so lost in the mire of mental mud and emotional muck that I'll never be able to resurface.

I've lost so much of her already.

It reminds me of Back to the Future when Marty McFly's family is slowly disappearing in the photograph as time passes by. He know that getting back to his life - his real life - is the only hope there is of restoring things as they should be for himself and his family.

I'm finding out that I'm ill-equipped for this life thing. I'm not very good at it. I'm struggling in every area and it's overwhelming. Right or wrong, I compare myself to others my age and I'm ashamed that I haven't done better by my daughter, my friends, my family, myself. The feeling of failure is paralyzing which, of course, just sinks you deeper into the failure. For someone that wanted so much from life and had so many dreams, I sure am lame.

Wonder where I can get a Delorean and some plutonium?

Writing

"Even if it's crap, just get it on the page." ~ Author unknown

At least once a week someone tells me that I should be a writer. Whether it's from something witty I wrote on Facebook or a funny story I just told or when someone finds out about what my family has been through, it's always the same - "You should be a writer."

Really?

My first thought is always, But I have nothing to say. And my second thought is, And even if I did, who would be interested enough to read it?

I am not being coy or humble. I honestly have no idea who on earth would be interested in anything I might have to say - enough to take time out of their lives to actually read any of it. I just ramble. I'm a rambler. I can't imagine that I'd have enough cohesive thoughts in any of these ramblings to string enough sentences together into something compelling enough to be worth reading.

Even now I sit here, I'm like Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail as she searches her brain trying to think of how to tell someone off, "Nothing..." 

I've Got Nothing.

That should be the title to my book. 

And yet, here I am writing on this blog. Feeling compelled, pushed, driven, to write my ramblings. I've heard that a true writer - someone who is a writer in their heart - can't NOT write. That's how I feel. Even if I know I'm rambling (and I know I am) I have to write. Get it on the page.

Even if it's crap.

Listening

"God speaks in the silence of the heart. Listening is the beginning of prayer." ~Mother Teresa

Maybe this is what I need. What I was trying to say in my previous post. Silence. Tuning out of all of the noise so I can just listen for a change. I feel like all I do it volley everything that comes at me all day everyday and I have no time to just stop, breathe, and focus long enough to come up with any answers or solutions. To just listen - to God, myself and my own heart.

Sometimes, I wonder too if I'm afraid to listen, to hear whatever I need to hear because I know I won't like it. I know that some of the answers I'll receive and conclusions I'll come to will be the hard path - the scary one - but the right one.

I'm so tired. Too tired to face what's right and true for me?

Apparently.

Underground

Ever feel like disappearing for a while? I mean, I know that most of us dream of an extended holiday at some sort of exotic beach resort or a relaxing spa. Time to rejuvenate and rest, even have some fun.

But I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about needing to take a break from all of the input and distractions within your regular day-to-day life. The phone calls, the texts, the e-mails, Facebook, Pinterest, doorbells, websites, projects, work, the people - oh, the PEOPLE. The people that drive you absolutely batshit crazy.

A hibernation of sorts. An unplugging from all of the external forces demanding our attention, trying to sell us something, convince of something, influence us towards their agendas, needing from us. Always needing...

I feel the desire for that right now. Desperately. I feel like I'm drowning. Choking. Gagging on all of the problems I've had before me every minute of every day for a very long time now. No matter how much I try to untangle my life, it just gets more tangled. More problematic. More out of my reach. There is no joy. Only labor.

I'm so tired. So exhausted.

I can't fix anything that's wrong, and I can't shake the feeling that if I could just take a break and get my footing again, I could maybe take some steps towards more peace of mind, more solutions, more joy.

I don't know. I just don't know...

The Hard Conversations

The hard conversations.

Man, they suck.

I had one today and now I have the, I've-bawled-my-eyes-out-so-now-my-sinuses-are-killing-me headache to prove it.

Marriage is a bitch. I said the tough stuff that a nice person (like me) tries their very best not to say. But they had to be said because they're the truth and not saying them for so long was becoming a big part of the problem. Although, having said that, I'm not sure saying them solved anything. Maybe a baby step in that direction though. I have no idea.

I've been thinking about marriage. I don't know ANYONE who is happily married. No one. It's like we're all destined to be miserable through our whole 30s and 40s. Of course, I can't help but hope that our 50s will be better - fingers crossed, clinging to hope, oh my god, I will just gouge my eyes out if they aren't - better.

I'm exhausted. Tapped out. Empty tank.

Tomorrow's another day though, and there's always hope in that.

Losing Weight

What does a key weigh?

An ounce?

Less?

Without realizing it, I was about to find out. I walked into what would soon be my former office, looked around, and it hit me that all of the little nooks and crannies that one makes their own when they're given a space to dwell in, will no longer be mine. It's amazing how intimate we become with space and things in an avid quest to make them our own - personalize them - create something that we can feel comfortable in. There are the drawers in your desk and what you put where. The things you hang on the wall - things that make you smile or think or that remind you to be brave or kind or that inspire you. How you arrange your desktop and what photographs you choose to put there. Whether or not you choose soft lighting with some lamps you've brought from home or if you're okay with the overhead lights. It's all a reflection of who we are and how we want to present ourselves to others.

As I moved about my office, I removed things from the bulletin board, filled a small box with a toiletries bag I kept in the cabinet, some office supplies that I bought with my own money and some snacks from the desk. I left the candy jar I bought long ago hoping that it will still be enjoyed by those that remained, and continue to be a reason for people to stop by so connections could be made - connections that wouldn't have been made if it weren't for the candy jar. Everybody likes candy. Everybody needs connection to others. Candy creates connections.

After I was done, I found an envelope, took one last look around, turned off the lights and shut the door. I put my key in the lock and turned it. The familiar click sounded, securing all that was inside. I put the key in the envelope, slid it under the door and looked at it through the door window for a moment. Then walked away.

It was then that I figured out what a key weighs.

About 500 pounds, give or take.

500 pounds of stress and pressure and unhappiness and humiliation were gone. I was free of it. Those things weren't my problem anymore. I had made a tough decision and I was the better for it. Even if the unknown future was pretty scary, I knew that it had to be better than what I just walked away from. It made me feel stronger and lighter and clearer than I had for so long. 

And I was proud of myself.

An unfamiliar feeling.

But I could get used to it. 

Wah!

Well, I spent the last two days working on a freelance project that I have. It just confirms that I enjoy this work and hope to parlay it into something sustainable for my life. I'm taking a class in early August to hone my skills and I'm excited about it! I miss school. Seems like such a stupid thing to say when I think about how stressful school was back when I was in high school and college. (Maybe it had something to do with all of those people dying though...)

I'm sitting here wondering if this class will lead to that job and then the next and the next and the next which will then lead to a life closer to what I want it to be. Can't get into all the details of what I want it to be just yet, but maybe someday.

Life's hard sometimes, ain't it?

So I'm Free. Now What?

I've got some things to figure out, don't I? It just hit me how relieved I am that I don't have to go back to my old job in a few weeks. But...there's the ever-present reality that I still need to earn a living. I'm doing some freelance editorial work and it pays well, but I have to find more of it to make enough to compensate for what I walked away from. I'm hoping that I didn't trade one prison (a dead-end job that doesn't pay well or provide me any stimulation) for another (financial/tuition hell).

Hmmmmm....yup, a lot to figure out.

Freedom

I left the job today that has kept me from writing on her for so long. I needed that job for the discount on my daughter's tuition. I still need it. But sometimes, you have to make the hard choices for all of the right reasons and hope and pray that somehow it will all work out. I was put in a position at this job, of choosing between what is best for two different family members and my hand was forced. I chose. And I'm scared. Either way, I know I possibly (probably?) hurt someone.

The upside of this decision is that it frees me from a rather confined set of standards that this particular organization abides by which has often kept me from being my genuine self a great deal of the time. I found myself in a situation where I couldn't be who I really was on this blog without censoring and editing what I really wanted to say or how I really wanted to say it. What's the point of putting words on here in a certain order, forming sentences, that didn't reflect what I really wanted to say at any given time?

So I stopped writing.

There's something very wrong with that and I'm glad, for that reason alone, to have moved on. I'm still trying to figure out if I was brave - or simply foolish.

Only time will tell.