The Artist Within?

I'm starting a twelve week course that I think will be an interesting experiment. It's about trying to find the inner, hidden artist in yourself. Sounds so granola doesn't it? Even to me - the one writing it. Gag. (Ever choked on a mouthful of granola?) But it's actually not that new age at all. I think it will help me skim off all of the junk in my brain so I can get to the good stuff. The creative stuff.

I need to get there. I need creativity in my life again. I'm embarrassed to admit that I've become a bit of a sad cliche in life. You know - wife, mother, gave-up-a-lot-of-my-own-dreams, don't-have-a-career-anymore, I'm-so-tired, I'm-so-bored CLI-CHE.

I know, I know, it sounds pathetic. But! it's really only pathetic if you stay in that place and I have no intention of doing that.

Which is why I'm so scared. So. damn. scared. But, see, I'm not just scared anymore. I'm excited! Excited to admit all of these things to myself and to be doing something about it. It's part of the adventure I talked about in my last post....I'm going away soon. For a month. I'm going to the beach for a month. By myself.

Crap.

More to come...

You Are Invisible

I was IM-ing my sister the other day and I noticed in little red type on the IM page three words, "You Are Invisible." I don't know why but it hit me like a slap in the face. I knew what it meant - something or other about how the internet couldn't see me because I had probably set up some sort of privacy block or whatever. But it still hit me pretty hard. It was seeing it in print, right in front of me - about me. "You Are Invisible."

Don't I know it. I thought.

I've always felt a little invisible which is ironic because I'm 5'9", blonde and legs that make up a 34 inch inseam. You'd think that I'd carry my Amazon body around on center stage all of the time but I don't. I do all I can to shrink into the background like a chameleon. Blend Rachel, blend.

These days, I feel more invisible than ever. I don't get out as much as I'd like. I find myself shrinking back a bit socially. And I'm not sure anyone even notices. I live in this little box of a world and I haven't had the courage to shatter down the walls. This is not about feeling sorry for myself - in many ways I've put myself in this position - this is just about having it in red-letter text in front of me and the realization hitting me of how true it is. And how much that truth sucks.

I could go into all of the reasons that I feel this way but they don't matter as much as what I'm going to do about it. I'm going on a little adventure in the coming months. One that scares the crap out of me. But I'm going to do it and I hope to come out of it a better person. One with her head on straighter. One with a smile too big to ignore and too genuine to be invisible. A person that can love deeper and by doing so, reach out to people in a more meaningful way.

I'll be writing about my adventure here as go along. I sure hope this works....