MJ

I was at Emma's swim meet when I heard the news. My first thought was of my friend, T, and all of the great times we had with Michael Jackson. My second thought was, He's free. He's finally free. I assumed at first, sadly, that it had been a suicide and was shocked to hear that it was his heart. It's like his heart broke one last time.

I watched the memorial service today and was sad, of course, but not weeping and wailing.

Until that is, his daughter, Paris, spoke in a pure from the heart unscripted moment. Then I lost it. Those poor kids. Losing a loved one suddenly can really do a number on you. I know.

I have felt ambivalent about MJ for years now. It was one of those situations where you heard the rumors, didn't want to believe them, but still feared them to be true. And then we were left never really knowing for sure the truth of the situation.

But I have to believe after hearing his daughter speak today, that he indeed was a loving father and that he didn't and couldn't harm children. That he was just eccentric and it caused unusual behavior and, in turn, he was misunderstood.

Whatever the truth is, it's between him and God now. And none of that changes the fact that he was a huge, happy part of my childhood and I'll always remember him for that. The guy could perform!

Thanks MJ. Rest in peace.

It's Hard, This Letting Go Thing...

The other day we were at a 4th of July party and my girl, Emma, bopped on by me as I sat at the bar yacking with some friends. I impulsively grabbed her and wrapped her in a big bear hug. Squeezing her tight and kissing her cheek over and over again. After a few moments she said, "Mom...." as in, LET GO! You're crushing me!

I didn't. I held on and said, "Do I have to let go? Tell me I don't ever have to let go." Then we both laughed and I finally released her. But as I watched her walk away I suddenly became very sad. I truly was just talking about never wanting to stop hugging her at first, but then I know suddenly that I was really talking about something bigger without even meaning to. I see her ever-increasing height, her more woman-like curves, the lovely hairstyle she came up with on her own, the stylish outfit that she put together all by herself...and I realize in one crushing moment that I do. I do have to let go. That little by little for a long time now, I've been letting go. And I felt my heart break a little.

This motherhood thing that I've always struggled with has been going on for 13 years now and without even knowing it, the letting go has been happening all along. As it should.

But man...

It hurts.

I love her so....