Overriding Theme Going On Here

I've just read through some of my recent posts and there seems to be a common theme - fatigue. I keep whining about how tired I am. It prompted me to look back over some recent e-mails and the same thing is happening there too.

I'm actually beyond tired. I feel...bankrupt. Completely spent. Nothing left.

The bitch of it is that I need to keep going. I have to. Too many people need me and I can't stop to fill up the tank. I'm a car running on fumes and frankly, I'm a little worried that I'll end up in an emotional ditch somewhere and no one will be able to find me. The real me - the one I want to be - will be so lost in the mire of mental mud and emotional muck that I'll never be able to resurface.

I've lost so much of her already.

It reminds me of Back to the Future when Marty McFly's family is slowly disappearing in the photograph as time passes by. He know that getting back to his life - his real life - is the only hope there is of restoring things as they should be for himself and his family.

I'm finding out that I'm ill-equipped for this life thing. I'm not very good at it. I'm struggling in every area and it's overwhelming. Right or wrong, I compare myself to others my age and I'm ashamed that I haven't done better by my daughter, my friends, my family, myself. The feeling of failure is paralyzing which, of course, just sinks you deeper into the failure. For someone that wanted so much from life and had so many dreams, I sure am lame.

Wonder where I can get a Delorean and some plutonium?

Writing

"Even if it's crap, just get it on the page." ~ Author unknown

At least once a week someone tells me that I should be a writer. Whether it's from something witty I wrote on Facebook or a funny story I just told or when someone finds out about what my family has been through, it's always the same - "You should be a writer."

Really?

My first thought is always, But I have nothing to say. And my second thought is, And even if I did, who would be interested enough to read it?

I am not being coy or humble. I honestly have no idea who on earth would be interested in anything I might have to say - enough to take time out of their lives to actually read any of it. I just ramble. I'm a rambler. I can't imagine that I'd have enough cohesive thoughts in any of these ramblings to string enough sentences together into something compelling enough to be worth reading.

Even now I sit here, I'm like Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail as she searches her brain trying to think of how to tell someone off, "Nothing..." 

I've Got Nothing.

That should be the title to my book. 

And yet, here I am writing on this blog. Feeling compelled, pushed, driven, to write my ramblings. I've heard that a true writer - someone who is a writer in their heart - can't NOT write. That's how I feel. Even if I know I'm rambling (and I know I am) I have to write. Get it on the page.

Even if it's crap.

Listening

"God speaks in the silence of the heart. Listening is the beginning of prayer." ~Mother Teresa

Maybe this is what I need. What I was trying to say in my previous post. Silence. Tuning out of all of the noise so I can just listen for a change. I feel like all I do it volley everything that comes at me all day everyday and I have no time to just stop, breathe, and focus long enough to come up with any answers or solutions. To just listen - to God, myself and my own heart.

Sometimes, I wonder too if I'm afraid to listen, to hear whatever I need to hear because I know I won't like it. I know that some of the answers I'll receive and conclusions I'll come to will be the hard path - the scary one - but the right one.

I'm so tired. Too tired to face what's right and true for me?

Apparently.

Underground

Ever feel like disappearing for a while? I mean, I know that most of us dream of an extended holiday at some sort of exotic beach resort or a relaxing spa. Time to rejuvenate and rest, even have some fun.

But I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about needing to take a break from all of the input and distractions within your regular day-to-day life. The phone calls, the texts, the e-mails, Facebook, Pinterest, doorbells, websites, projects, work, the people - oh, the PEOPLE. The people that drive you absolutely batshit crazy.

A hibernation of sorts. An unplugging from all of the external forces demanding our attention, trying to sell us something, convince of something, influence us towards their agendas, needing from us. Always needing...

I feel the desire for that right now. Desperately. I feel like I'm drowning. Choking. Gagging on all of the problems I've had before me every minute of every day for a very long time now. No matter how much I try to untangle my life, it just gets more tangled. More problematic. More out of my reach. There is no joy. Only labor.

I'm so tired. So exhausted.

I can't fix anything that's wrong, and I can't shake the feeling that if I could just take a break and get my footing again, I could maybe take some steps towards more peace of mind, more solutions, more joy.

I don't know. I just don't know...