I Wish I Could Say It's Not True

"Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus."

Wallace Stegner
The Spectator Bird

I've been through a lot - more than most in some ways. I don't say that in a self-pitying way just as a statement of fact. I hate that my family and I have had to endure so much. When I saw the above quote it really rang a bell with me. A loud, resounding gong of a bell rattling through me.

I wish it weren't so. I wish that when I'd survived these horrible things in my life I could have ended up being purely inspirational. An example of the human spirit and inner strength that overcame these terrible times with no change in me except for positive ones. Full of wisdom.

But it isn't to be.

I am damaged. And those damages are permanent. I am changed forever in ways that aren't positive, that have left me callused and full of scar tissue. I am more fearful. Less trusting. More cynical. Less adventurous. More anxious. Less fun-loving. More of what I don't want to be. Less of what I do.

I have found over the years that people don't want to hear this truth about me. They want to only know that I'm okay. That I'm fine in spite of it all. Even though they are intelligent people and probably know down deep inside of themselves that I'm not okay. How could I be? How does one escape permanent damage with all of the crap that's gone on? I guess for them to openly know and admit that all is not fine with me makes them uncomfortable - and sometimes even annoyed. I'm always surprised by that. The lack of grace and understanding others feel about the fact that all of these horrible things have left permanent scars on my heart and mind. It makes me feel like I'm not worth it to people to know the real me - they only want to know me if I'm "fine". People are willing to accept any positive changes my suffering may have brought about, but not the negative ones.

And there have been positive changes, I'm not denying that. I have a deeper understanding of life - a bigger picture, if you will. I know what is tragic and what is not. It helps keep things in perspective. I think I'm more gracious towards others and more sympathetic and empathetic than I was before. I've learned valuable lessons about life at a relatively young age that others may never have the opportunity to learn. Most importantly, I've been able to help others simply by understanding what it is to hurt a hurt so deep and devastating that you feel like you'll never stop shaking or that you'll never be able to smile ever again or that you will never again be able to take in a full breath of air because the hurt seems to have sucked all of the oxygen out of every room you happen to be in. I understand how devastating it is to come to the full realization that you will never feel normal again. Ever.

There's value to all of that, I know.

But it still sucks.

I would still rather have my sister and my mother and my two brothers back. I would forgo all of those positive things just to have them back in my life, even for a single day.

I remember reading an interview once with Charlize Theron. She was discussing how she witnessed her mother shoot her father dead in self-defense. How she didn't want that one incident to define her - to brand her. I understand that desire. That instinct to fight the damage that sort of thing must inevitably inflict. But the truth is, it did brand her. How could it not? And it's permanent. The effects of that sort of thing are forever.

But here's what I've learned - It doesn't have to control your life - but it will define it. It will make you into someone different than you were before - good or bad.

And that can be very hard to accept.

So very hard.

And if it's hard for me to accept that about myself then maybe I should be more understanding about how hard it is for other's to accept that about me.

It's just that...sometimes I get tired of being the understanding one.

So, if you're reading this and you know someone that's been through a really rough patch, I encourage you to try to be open and honest with yourself about who this person is now. And to accept them. And love them. And to let them know that you love them. No matter what.