Day Twenty-Five - Laughter Through Tears

I've been reading a blog the last few months about a 39-year-old mom of two children, Michelle who was very sick with the autoimmune disease, scleroderma. It's a hideous disease - you may have heard of it when Bob Saget's sister died of the same thing years ago. She chronicled her journey with lots of laughter and calm. She died last week after a valiant fight. I never met her but felt like I knew her because her writing felt so familiar in its approach. Every death teaches us something. Hers taught me how to be a better, more appreciative mom. Today's entry had me bawling my eyes out. I hope you take some time to check it out though. It's worth the tears.

Diary of a Dying Mom

On the heels of watching the slide show that was posted on that blog today, I decided to watch another video I had heard about:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T36KFPGkUJA

Soon, I was in a full belly laugh even as I was still drying my tears from Michelle's slide show. Laughter through tears can be one of the most invigorating feelings. It's not something we actively seek out but when it happens spontaneously - purely - it makes us feel like we're really living fully in that moment. That we're letting ourselves feel it all - so much at once.

I remember when Joanne died - we were in shock of course - the sudden death of a loved one will do that to you. It messes with your mind. But we were all sitting around talking after dinner one night not long after the funeral and my friend, T, was there. We were reminiscing, sharing funny stories (Joanne was all about the funny) and laughing so hard even as we cried. Later, T told me that she was so surprised by that and that it was a real testament to our strength that we chose laughter through tears. In doing so we not only remembered her death and how absolutely heartbreaking it was to us, but we were also willing to remember her life and how happy knowing her had made us.

I think that was the moment that I must have subconsciously made the decision to laugh as much as possible. That somehow I knew instinctively that I would need it to survive this horrible tragedy. Of course, I had no idea how much worse it was going to get in the coming years and how much I would come to rely on laughter more than I ever imagined. It was, and still is, my lifeline. I cannot overstate this - laughter is why I'm not dead myself or in a straight jacket.

Clearly, all that my family's been through has done its damage. It's permanent and irreversible it seems. How could it not be? But I'm proud of us. We still laugh. And when we still laugh, we still have hope.