Seeing Through the Fog

I'm stressed. I won't lie. I'm terribly stressed. There are many things going on that I haven't written about here yet for many reasons - they're really personal and involve people that I don't want to "out" here on my blog, I'm the type of person that has to live with something internally for a while before I can talk about it, I'm lazy, I'm overwhelmed, I don't know how to put words to some of it yet......blah blah blah. All sorts of reasons why I'm not writing about them.

A huge part of my stress is that I don't know how to calm the chaos of it all. How to get some of this stuff ironed out. It just is what it is and a lot of it is out of my control. That's hard for a type-A person like myself to accept and be okay with. I struggle with my faith (that's a story for another post someday) so it's hard to trust God with all of it. I'm trying though and I guess there's a lot of value and hope in that.

As I grumbled and mumbled my way through the day today I tried to get stuff done - laundry, cleaning, getting organized for my trip, work, swim practice for Emma, errands to the video store, dry cleaners and grocery store...

As I went from aisle to aisle through the grocery store in my fog of being so pissed off and discouraged, my phone rings. It's my sister. She had just gotten out of an appointment with her oncologist and my stomach clenched. Her numbers had spiked in recent weeks which could be an indication that the cancer has progressed. We had been waiting for the results from a scan for the last week and the anxiety had reached new heights. We've been through this scenario many times over the last twenty some odd years with the various family members with cancer, but it's still pretty scary each and every time.

I pulled my cart over to the side of the floral department and waited for her to tell me what was up, preparing myself for the worst. Then she spoke, "Well, the doctor said that everything is fine. Things are no worse!"

Suddenly, I saw through the fog of my frustration and stress. I saw an image of my sister standing strong and happy and beautiful - relieved to be given this reprieve - and I was so happy for her. And for myself. I need my sister.

Her good news didn't solve any of my other problems, of course, but it sure helped me keep it all in better perspective. It made me feel hopeful that some of this other stuff can work itself out too if I just keep trying my best with what I can control and let go of the rest.

Let go of the rest. That'll be hard, I thought. But I'll keep working on it.