Here's To Good Friends

I'm feeling guilty about going away in a few weeks. On a bad day (today is kind of a bad day) I feel like it's so wrong to leave Emma. But the more time that passes and the more I think about it, I'm realizing that there's probably no way to not feel guilty about it. (Yeah, I know, double negatives. Whatev.)

I think that when Emma was born I also gave birth to The Guilt That Will Never Go Away - Ever. It's like a living breathing thing sometimes and right now it has the back of my shirt between its teeth and is trying to get a tighter grip and pull me back so hard that I'll stay right where I am and not go on this adventure.

But I have to go on this adventure. I have to do this. There's no way to explain it fully but it's something I know deep inside - I have to go. But knowing this does not mean that it will be easy or that I will always feel good about it or be at peace with it. My hope and goal is to come back all the better for it - that, in the long run, I'll be a better mom and a better person overall.

I've decided not to tell too many people about my plans because I frankly don't need the judgements or questions that will inevitably come up. But during the last few months, as this inkling of an idea became a reality, I've been given many gifts from various people. Some of them practical, some of them emotional and some of them spiritual. The few that I've decided to tell, I trust obviously, and one friend in particular gave me a wonderful gift and I don't think she even realizes it.

I've known "T" since the 6th grade. I had just moved from rural Ohio where I went to a small private school to a public school in New York. Culture shock does not even begin to describe how hard the transition was. But on the first day, T led a small group of girls up to me and introduced herself and the rest, as they say, is history. She is part of some of the best and funniest memories of my life. I can't get into many of the details because some of the antics we got ourselves involved in will probably have to go to our graves with us - I'm not sure there's a statute of limitations on some our shenanigans.

A while back, I told T about my upcoming adventure in an e-mail and this was her reply:

"Rachel, for the first time in many years I feel you are getting back in touch with your true real self. This is wonderful. This is the Rachel I have known and loved for a long time - not some scared person!!! Adventurous and fun loving - that's you! Chuck the guilt out the window and do it!!!!"

My first thought was, She's right - I WAS adventurous! I forgot all about that...

It's so sad to me that I forgot about that part of myself. I used to know how to really kick it. Before people I loved started dying every year or so, I used to be a pretty free-spirited and brave gal. I mean, don't get me wrong, I think surviving all that I have takes courage and I'm proud of myself for finding that courage every. single. day. but it also takes guts to be adventurous and I lost that somewhere along the way a long time ago.

I appreciated T's words so much because it came from someone that has known me longer than anyone else (outside of my siblings and father) and it was great to get that reminder from the person in my life that "knew me when." The person that remembered the Rachel before all of the losses began. The person that remembered her even when I forgot about her. What a gift.

So thanks T. I love you and am so glad that you're still in my life after all of these years. Your friendship means so much.