Lonely

I've been extraordinarily lonely lately.

It's such a powerful force, loneliness. It can drive us to do things that we know we shouldn't. Acts of mild desperation that leave us feeling humiliated and needy. Texting someone when you know full well that they're not all that interested in what you're trying to talk about. Staging "spontaneous" run-ins with someone you very much want to see but who is clearly too busy to want to see you. Pretending to be interested in something/someone just so that person will engage with you in any way. Not committing to things that you know are best for you and your interests because someone that you want to spend time with might get in touch and want to grace you with an hour or two of their time when you could have - should have - been doing something that's better for you in the long run.

It's all just leaves you with such an awful feeling.

I read a blog about a lady who lost her husband suddenly last October and then started dating her husband's best friend not long after. She seems like a lovely lady. Nothing untoward or inappropriate about her or her actions necessarily, but it just seems so...wrong. So ill-timed. So desperate. Her latest blog entry is a photo of her new beau on bended knee proposing to her and her caption that reads, "He asked. I said yes." Less than a year after losing her husband suddenly. A good husband, one that she was very much in love with, if I am to believe all of her posts about him. All I want to feel is happy for her, but what I really feel is, Crap! TOO SOON!! You have no idea the years of grief in front of you and how complex that grief is going to get - for you and your two sons. And now you're going to have to do it with a new husband that, in spite of his best efforts to be selfless and understanding and supportive of you, will still have his own needs and ideas of what your life together should be like! WAIT A BIT! Give this some more time!

But...she didn't ask me how I felt about it. Hell, I don't even know her. I just find it a striking example of what a human being will do to feel less alone in the world. Grief is an intensely isolating experience because no one can really know how you feel or exactly what you're going through and no one can really help you through it. They can try on some small level, but only you can walk through it, and it has to be you and only you - alone.

My father-in-law (FIL) left my mother-in-law (MIL) for his mistress. They got married and seemed to have a good life together. They truly cared for and loved each other. There was an obvious affection between them that was awfully sweet to watch. Especially when my step-mother-in-law (SMIL) became ill with cancer and died not long after. My FIL took such good care of her and was devastated and a bit lost without her it seemed.

Four months later he remarried my MIL.

It wasn't until years later that we found out  that when he suddenly disappeared from my SMIL's funeral dinner for a couple of hours, he had gone home to call my MIL and profess his love for her.

What the hell??

I judged him. Of course I judged him. But then I realized just how afraid he was to be alone - even for a day. That somehow he just wasn't comfortable enough with himself to be with himself - just him - for any amount of time. That his loneliness was his driving force, no matter the outcome or societal norms or even proper etiquette. That's powerful stuff.

I have several friends that are in marriages that demean them, compromise them, chip away at them and who they want to be, but who remain. Who don't want to rock the boat for fear of being alone. Who are avoiding being alone at the cost of so much - in some cases at the cost of everything else about themselves and their lives that they used to hold dear and hold such high standards to. Who, in the end, no matter what they used to profess to be and what they used to want for their lives, will stay at all costs.

I think about my own marriage and how utterly isolating it is. How hopeless I feel about it and my life. I think about how I sit here writing all of this in a blog post because I don't have one friend that I feel I can be completely open and honest with about the truth of my life and how deeply miserable and hopeless I am.

I think about how I've gone "underground" lately - no Facebooking, texting, get-togethers, lunches, GNO, phone calls or e-mailing. And you know what? NO ONE'S NOTICED.

Yup, utterly alone.

I'm not sure what it is about me that makes me so disposable to others. So easy to risk losing. So easy to walk away from. My guess is that I'm terribly annoying and just can't get my shit together enough to figure out what it is that turn others off from me so much. I've struggled with this for years and have come to no conclusions.

I don't write this soliciting pity (I mean, seriously, who would pity me? No one reads this! LOL!) or with any deep thoughts or even an inkling of a solution to any of it. I write this to get it down. To explore the subject. To take a step by giving it a voice. To say out loud that I feel this way and maybe others do too. To wonder at the powerfulness of loneliness and the lengths we'll go to avoid it. How much we're willing to sacrifice just to not be alone.

I read a quote recently that reminded me of myself. Who I'm becoming. How I'm turning inward in response to feeling hurt and misunderstood and so very uninteresting to others...

"She, who learned to protect by staying silent; who learned to stay safe by disappearing inside.”

That's what's happening to me. It's a struggle to interact with others anymore. Since I'm not sure what I'm doing to turn others off so much, I am becoming more silent to protect myself and more internal to remain safer from the wreckage that the constant rejection is causing.

It's a self-preservation thing. An alternative to the pain that rejection causes. William Shakespeare said, "Expectation is the root of all heartache." I believe that wholeheartedly. Lower my expectations, lower my hurt.

That's the goal right now. Just lower the pain level please.

I'm begging you life. Please.