I've just read through some of my recent posts and there seems to be a common theme - fatigue. I keep whining about how tired I am. It prompted me to look back over some recent e-mails and the same thing is happening there too.
I'm actually beyond tired. I feel...bankrupt. Completely spent. Nothing left.
The bitch of it is that I need to keep going. I have to. Too many people need me and I can't stop to fill up the tank. I'm a car running on fumes and frankly, I'm a little worried that I'll end up in an emotional ditch somewhere and no one will be able to find me. The real me - the one I want to be - will be so lost in the mire of mental mud and emotional muck that I'll never be able to resurface.
I've lost so much of her already.
It reminds me of Back to the Future when Marty McFly's family is slowly disappearing in the photograph as time passes by. He know that getting back to his life - his real life - is the only hope there is of restoring things as they should be for himself and his family.
I'm finding out that I'm ill-equipped for this life thing. I'm not very good at it. I'm struggling in every area and it's overwhelming. Right or wrong, I compare myself to others my age and I'm ashamed that I haven't done better by my daughter, my friends, my family, myself. The feeling of failure is paralyzing which, of course, just sinks you deeper into the failure. For someone that wanted so much from life and had so many dreams, I sure am lame.
Wonder where I can get a Delorean and some plutonium?
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