Jump

Okay, so I'm going away. In just two short months I'll be leaving my home and making a temporary one for myself one state - and a lifetime - away. I think it's going to be hard to explain this to some of the people in my life. Why I need this. So. desperately. need. this. There are times that I don't feel like I'm any different from many women in their early 40s - burned out, frazzled, lost, etc. It makes me feel guilty that I'm running away from it all and selfishly doing this when other women - women in tougher situations than mine - don't have, will never have, might-not-ever-take-even-if-they-ever-had, the opportunity to do this. It makes me feel like a spoiled brat.

But then, I think about all that I have been through in the last 25 years and I know that in many ways my life has been extreme. Extreme loss, extreme circumstances, extreme pain....and I know that I am truly empty. That it's not just motherhood or marital struggles or career blues that have me feeling this way. That it's over 25 years of events that have led to this. That the totality of it all has left me vacant and hollow and not believing in much anymore.

Especially myself.

Those 25 years of crappy events directly, and indirectly, led to situations in the last two years or so that have left me wondering who the hell I am. So many things that I held dear and sacred, things that I thought were firm in my mind, have come into question. Things I believed in steadfastly have become shades of gray that I don't understand anymore. What was once was so clear is now just fuzzy.

I know, I know, classic mid-life crisis. Next thing you know I'll be driving a red convertible, dyeing my hair black and having an affair with a 25-year-old hottie. Fun? Absolutely! But it won't solve any of my problems. (damn!)

What I really need is some space. When every day is about other people - their needs, their schedules, their expectations, their wants - there's no space to address what I need or want. I'm on this path in my life that I don't see being able to stay on forever so I need to figure out how to change things for myself.

The way that it all fell into place for me to stay at this condo for a month was really incredible. I kept saying to myself and to the people in my life that I wouldn't do it unless it "fell into my lap". For weeks all signs pointed to no. Things were just not falling into place. But then, suddenly, without any clear reason why, they all did. Door after door opened and I felt compelled to just keep walking through them.

Honestly, I think I'm a little insane. Who does this?! But maybe that's why I need to do it. To have this opportunity - this luxury - is really quite something, and I need to stop being so damn scared of everything all of the time and just take the leap....

Just jump Rachel.