I've been home since last Saturday night but I didn't have internet for a few days and things have been pretty busy since I got back - unpacking, catching up, making phone calls, doing laundry, getting organized and oh yeah, SHIVERING. It's fricking cold here! I went from high 70s/mid-80s in Florida to high 30s/low 50s in Georgia. It's just not right. The other night, I told Greg that I missed having my balcony door open to listen to the crashing waves and feel the warm breezes. He promptly got the blow dryer out, turned it on and pointed it in my direction while making ocean sound effects. "Better?" he said. (Um, not so much, but I appreciate the effort.)
I've had a bit of a hard time since I've gotten back. Just stupid stuff. I feel a little disconnected - trying to get my head back into Emma's school activities and such, working, cleaning, paying attention to bills (Bills? What bills? HA!), details details details....And I keep dropping things, spilling things, tripping over things. I've also felt overwhelmed with the house again. Almost immediately upon my return, all that has to be done around here to make it a home that I'm proud of - one that reflects who I am and is a safe haven from the world outside - seems only a distant possibility. Actually it mostly feels like an impossibility. Everything just feels so hard again and it's discouraging. After dropping a bunch of garbage as I tried to take it out to the curb - on the heels of dropping the groceries as I dragged them into the house - I had to lecture myself, Just stop Rachel. STOP! Stop resisting it. Stop fighting it. Still not being sure what "it" is. But I know I have to figure "it" out and make this life back in reality work. It's part of the biggest lesson I learned while I was away. An important lesson. The lesson of Letting Go.
Letting go is hard for someone like me. I wouldn't say that I'm a super scary type-A, but I'm a little scary. I like things a certain way and my mind works in a categorized, methodical manner. (but I'm also really lazy about cleaning and such so I'm a bit of a dichotomy I think.) I want things orderly but I feel too lazy, paralyzed and outnumbered to make it happen in any consistent, long-term way. I still like to have my hands heavily involved in the things in my life - the house, raising Emma, the business, my creativity, various relationships, etc. It's hard to let go of so much of what I need to let go of. To walk away from trying to control so much. Letting go of some of my dreams, letting go of having things done my way, letting go of old hurts and grudges, letting go of so much of my fear, just....letting go....it can be stressful. But necessary.
When I was away, I realized how much my heart has been broken by so many things. So many people. It's been broken into tiny little pieces - almost to dust. How do I put dust back together again into something whole? Something complete. Something functional even. How do you put "shattered" back together again?
Honestly, I really don't know, but I think that Letting Go plays some part in it. Not just forgiving but being able to walk away from what I can't control and having faith that I'll be okay. That the ones that I love will be okay somehow. That the ones that I love but don't love me back will be okay - and knowing that it's a good thing to want that for them even though I'm so hurt by them. It's hard to love and not have it returned whatever the reason is. To miss people. So many people. So many goodbyes and not enough hellos in my life. I'll need to work on that.
I learned while I was away that my daughter still very much needs me. That twelve years on the earth is not enough time to prepare someone for not having their mama around day after day. She needs me in ways that I don't think either of us even realized that she needs me, and being back home, we have started to get some things back on track for her again. The flipside of that is that although I know going away was selfish of me, I also know that, as hard as it was, it was good for all involved in ways that we couldn't have anticipated, which is what I hoped for.
I learned while I away that I really don't want to live next to, across from or even nearby, people that are unkind or rude or uncaring. People that have no interest in me or my family or what I care about. I had no idea how much living near such people affects the day-to-day quality of life until I went away from it all a bit. I'm not sure what can be done about it right now with things being what they are economically but I have the goal to create a better living situation sometime in the near future.
I've learned that I also don't want to hang out with people like those mentioned above anymore either. I don't want to settle for friendships that are less than what I need or deserve just to have so-called "friends." In the last few years I have let friends - one or two in particular -be unkind to me, and those around me, primarily because they made me laugh. Laughter is very seductive for me and I'll have to watch that as I set out to meet new people and forge new friensdships. Heads up, and I know this seems obvious, but if someone is being unkind to the other people around them, they'll eventually be unkind to you. Don't think you're immune. This is who they are and they'll zing you right in the ass before you know it and when you least expect it.
I've learned that living near the ocean will change the quality of your life remarkably. I knew I loved the ocean. I knew I enjoyed the ocean. I knew the ocean was calming and beautiful and spectacular. But I had no idea being able to touch the ocean every day, see the ocean every day, watch the ocean every day would bring about a peace that I'm not sure I've ever known. None of the major stressors in my life particularly changed while I was away (some new ones were even added!) but being near the ocean made it all less stressful somehow. Made it feel more manageable. Put things in perspective.
I miss the ocean very much. I think about it all of the time as I move through the days of my "back-to-normal-life." I wonder what the sunrise looked like this morning or if the winds were high or if the shells plentiful. I brought some of the sand back and put it in several bottles displayed around the house. It reminds me of my adventure and all that I learned and all of the good that I got out of it.
I've learned how important it is to still believe in the things in your life that have always mattered to you - God, family, friendship, grace, love - even when you haven't been given much reason to believe them anymore. You have to dig deep and find that flicker of a flame that used to be the inferno of how strong your faith and belief used to be. That is called hope. You have to have hope.
I went to St. Augustine a fearful person. I came home a braver one. Not as courageous as I'm going to be but more than I was before. There's a song titled: "I Just Showed Up For My Own Life" and it helps sum up how I feel....
Spending my time sleep walking
Moving my mouth but not saying a thing
Hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in
I was in love with an idea
Preoccupied with how a life should appear
Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in the shiny veneer
There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real
And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright
I'm going to live my life inspired
Look for the holy in the common place
Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real until I'm truly amazed
I'm going to feel all my emotions
I'm going to look you in the eyes
I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear and it changes our lives
There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real
And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright
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