Wonder Where She Got Her Sense of Humor From

The last few weeks since Greg's dad died have been hard. I've known for years now how hard it is to lose someone you love, but I haven't had to see Greg go through losing a family member of his own. He loved my family members that have died but it's different when it's your own father or mother or brother or sister. This is all new to him.

What happens when someone you loves dies (at least for me and some others I've talked to) is that so much changes for you internally - your heart breaks, you mind spins, your body fatigues - and it's overwhelming. But your external life changes very little. You still have to go to work, you still have to go to class, you still need to get gas, you still need to go grocery shopping, you still have to take care of your children, you still need to be nice to other people...you still have to get on with it. The friction created between the two truths is extremely difficult and the pain of it can really eat away at you.

But! In every situation there can be found laughter, and Emma is often the provider of that laughter.

When we were in Hilton Head to visit Greg's mom, Sharon, right after Pete died, we stayed at a hotel down the road from Sharon's house. As you can imagine, Greg was a little stressed by this time. His father just dying and his mother being, um, challenging was finally starting to get to him.

The day finally arrived for us to head home. As we were packing up and getting ready to check-out Greg went and got one of those luggage carts. When he brought it upstairs he was trying to get it through the room door for some reason. Well, it wouldn't fit. He kept backing it up and pushing it forward, but it just kept banging into the door frame. I was in the bathroom area brushing my teeth while this was going on but I could hear it - back and forward and bang, back and forward and bang, back and forward and bang. I peeked my head out of the bathroom area and there was Emma standing there watching him do this. She didn't offer to help. She didn't get out of the way. She didn't say a word. (I think because by that time we were tip-toeing around him a bit) She just stared at him doing this over and over again.

Finally, after banging the cart into the doorframe about ten times, Greg stopped trying and just looked up at Emma with the most frustrated look on his face.

She looked back at him deadpan and with that completely straight face says, "Troubles?"

I nearly gagged on my mouthful of toothpaste and had to duck back into the bathroom to bust a gut laughing.

That kid makes all of life worthwhile.

I Have a Dream Too

Tomorrow is a big day. The first day that "Yes We Can" will be tested. Can we? Will we? Will I?

Clearly, big changes need to take place in my own life and also in the life of the country. Will we pony up? Are we up to it? It's gonna get harder before it gets better for a lot of us and I wonder if we - I - have the kahunas to make it happen. I think I do.

I hope I do.

No, I do. I absolutely do.

I listened to Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech today and I thought about how a big part of that dream is coming true tomorrow. It's monumental. It's historic. It's unbelievable! How fantastic that we are transforming into a time of hope. Hope for this country's troubled times and hope that this country is making such strides in the fight against racism. A long way to go but a long way come.

As I watched all of the coverage on the various talk shows and news channels today I reveled in this great feeling of hope and excitement. To be a witness to this kind of history. To want to keep my daughter home from school to watch it all happen. In a way, there are no words to clearly express how big it feels.

But....then....I felt kind of sad about that. I must be nuts, I thought. Sad? Really? What a freaking downer you are Rachel.

That's when I realized it. I have a dream too. I dream of the day when a black man - or woman - being sworn in as president is not historic. Is not new. Becomes so common that it's "no big thang" as they say. I dream of the day when the same is true for a Latino American or an Asian American or a Jewish American. The day that we all truly have become simply, Americans.

That's the country that I dream of for my daughter and my daughter's daughter. A country whose citizens looks back at video from the year 2009 when a black man named Barack Obama becoming President was so huge and they'll wonder at that. Even giggle at how silly our country was that it hadn't happened sooner.

In the meantime, I will enjoy tomorrow for all that it is in this time in our history. I will let myself feel that excitement and live in the moment.

And hope still - always - for a better future.

Thanks for the Memories Pete

Today is a sad day. Greg's dad died suddenly this morning and our hearts are hurting.

We will miss you Pete.

Another Year Goes By...

Time passing is a big (HUGE! actually) issue for me. It's hard to explain to people without sounding a little crazy. I suppose it is kind of crazy - born of a crazy set of circumstances. But it's a topic too big for my hangover to take on right now so it'll be a subject matter for a future post. Right now, I will just list a few of my goals for 2009. I hope to reach 2010 a better person than the one that rang in 2009. She ain't bad but...there's always - ALWAYS - room for improvement....

Goals For the Year 2009

Swear less. (dammit)

Become gainfully employed and ease my family's money woes.

Let go, once and for all, of a lost friendship that still hurts my heart (it's hard to accept that this person doesn't give one wit about me anymore and I need to find a way to move on for good).

Spend more time with my growing daughter to stay connected for the turbulent years to come.

Take a class - yoga? pilates? creative writing? swing dance? I dunno yet...

Meet a transvestite.

Hopefully travel more.

Plan my next adventure.

Use fewer exclamation points - excitement is good but I think I'll try to actually have more of it in life than just in my writing about life. (Thus the desire to meet a transvestite - wouldn't that be a hoot?)

Take better care of my house.

Have a grown-up party.

Take on a new fashion that I'm normally too shy to attempt.

Find grace.

Give grace.

Create more.

Pray more.

Write more.

Laugh more.

Love more...always try to love more....

So Very Scary....(I'm really not that slutty)

The following is an actual e-mail conversation I recently had with my friend T. It all started when she sent me a photo she found on Facebook. (which I won't show here but it was of a big fat dude with graying hair) Note: The names of some people have been changed to protect their privacy. (And also to protect my ass!)

T: Do you know who this is?
Hint: you made out with him years ago. ( I know that does not narrow things down much!!!)

R: What the...?! I have no idea! I made out with him? Tell me! Tell me!

T: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. Facebook...
A hint : he had dark hair and glasses then!

R: That can't be John Barrett! Did he wear glasses? Who else had glasses? It's so scary to me that I can't pinpoint it. Is he from N. High School? I'm such a slut...

T: I'm really torturing you...aren't I? Yes! N. High School. Not when we were there though.....

R: David Russell? He didn't wear glasses did he? I will be stunned if that's who it is! I can't think of who else I made out with that was older (or younger).

T: Brother of someone special.....

R: Jennie's brother? No freaking way!

T: Nope... someone who was a bit heavy then....This is fun...I never knew you made out with Jennie's brother - you slut!

R: A bit heavy! Hmmm...I didn't really go for the pudgy fellas. You sure it was ME that made out with him? I can't think of who it is at all.
PS - Yeah, me and Jennie's brother. I don't know what it is with me my friend's brothers. I promise that I never got it on with Scott or Bobby. {T's brothers}

T: Thank goodness...well we know it wouldn't be Bobby.....we annoyed the hell out of him! Anyway,the someone special was someone special to ME in high school. Now you will get it!!!!

R: I thought about that. Mike Mitchell {T's ex-boyfriend} didn't have a brother did he? You didn't really have any other special someones back then did you? Who was that guy from that local college you dated?

T: It must be early Alzheimer's "Mike Mitchell didn't have a brother did he?" An older brother, who delivered the mail perhaps.....I think you are trying to forget!!!!
Here's my final hint: I guess Donna was right about you...

R: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I just tried to call you....The only thing that finally tipped me off was the mention of Donna. I remember how she was kinda big, had a lot of blondish hair and hated me. I didn't remember that Mike Mitchell had a brother, I don't remember the dude's name (even now), I don't remember him being a mailman, I don't remember one detail of how it all happened. Do YOU? When did we make-out? Where? Was he any good? Was it more than once? Ewwwww!!!

I am such a hussy...

So Much Going On Lately

It's been a crazy couple of weeks. Good things and bad. It all started when Emma asked if she could have a Christmas party. "Sure!" I said. Then she asked if we could have it the evening of the last day of school before the holiday break. "Sure!" I said. Then she asked if she could invite 11 girls. "Sure!" I said. But as the time got closer and closer and things kept piling up on my schedule, all I could think was, "FOOL!"

The party went off without a hitch though and was so much fun! I had no idea middle school girls were so LOUD. The screaming. Oh the high pitched screaming that went on. What a hoot. They decorated cookies, danced, listened to music, played Wii and Twister, and then did the ornament game. It was kinda scary at one point though because as I stood at the bottom of the stairs and listened to them being nuts up in Emma's room I thought, I can totally picture this same group of girls playing quarters in a few years. Hoo-boy it should be interesting...

Sadly, while all of that party planning was going on, I got a call from my friend, Lynne. Her father died rather suddenly. He had pancreatic cancer and had a successful surgery but succumbed to a secondary infection he got in the hospital. It seems so cruel to me...to survive that tough procedure only lose his life to something secondary feels so tragic.

His funeral was the day after the party in North Carolina six hours away so we got up at 4:30 that morning and were able to spend the day with Lynne and her family. It was great to see them even if the circumstances were so tough. His name was George and he was a dear friend. He was one of my college professors and was good to my family in our times of need over the years. I will miss you George. And I'm so sorry Lynne.

Last week was also finals week for Emma. This year has been tough academically but Emma pulled it off. Two high school level classes and she got straight A's across the board again. What a kid!

My brother and sister flew in yesterday and are staying here. Our family has dwindled in numbers over the years so it's not the same raucous affair of the past but I am so very thankful that they are here on this earth still and part of our holiday. I love them dearly.

It is now Christmas Eve and I'm thinking about all of these things and feeling so many different emotions. It's been quite a year. I feel sad for lost family. Sad for lost friendships. Worried about our personal financial situation and the whole country's situation for that matter. Proud of my daughter. Proud of myself. Love for my family. Love for those that have seen the best in me even when I couldn't see it in myself. Happy that I had an adventure of my own this year and hoping to have another one someday. Curious about the coming year and hoping that it's better for everyone. I think 2008 has worn us all plum out, as they say here in the south.

Merry Christmas and God bless!

Yo.u K'now, It's Ti;me.,.'.

...to clean your laptop computer screen when you're constantly thinking that you've mistakenly put periods, commas, semi-colons and apostrophes inappropriately mid-word and mid-sentence in your writing.