This past week has been full of ups and downs. I've learned a few things:
1) People are a pain in the ass.
2) People are wonderful.
3) Some people will do almost anything not to face the horribly scary path that their children are on.
4) My daughter is a strong and wise girl. Her heart breaks, but she still finds laughter in the midst of it all.
5) I fear that I will never fully trust anyone ever again if this sort of shit keeps happening.
6) Prayer has helped me get through this situation much better than the last time this happened when I couldn't bring myself to pray at all. It has made it abundantly clear that I need to start praying about that situation finally. Maybe it will make it stop hurting once and for all.
7) I feel more strongly than ever in my resolve to be who I want to be no matter who the other person chooses to be. I will continue to strive for kindness and a loving attitude in the face of irrationality and cruelty. It ain't easy but it's the right thing for me.
8) I'm so very thankful for the people in my life that restore my faith in family and friendship.
9) Sometimes a big brownie, cuddling with a cat and watching a good movie does solve everything - for a couple of hours anyway.
10) I need to strengthen myself physically so I am stronger when stressful situations come along. I will be signing up for that fitness class. I need it. I deserve it.
Wonder what this coming week will teach me?
Monday, March 23, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
With High Hopes
I've decided that when the next paycheck comes in this weekend I'm going to go out and buy a bottle of champagne. And I'm going to bring that bottle home and put it in the refrigerator right away so that it's chilled and ready to pop open for when we get some good news to celebrate. And I'm thinking that it doesn't even have to be stunningly great news like a new job or winning the lottery or a someone giving us an around-the-world cruise as a surprise. Maybe it will just be that Emma got a great grade on a tough test. Or that I finally hung some pictures up around the house. Or that the weather was nice enough and my foot pain-free enough to take a long walk.
And yes, I will admit that there's a part of me wondering if this just means that the bar is set real low for us right now. But I'm not wondering about that enough to stop me from inviting hope for celebration in my life. I have hope.
That's a great thing.
And yes, I will admit that there's a part of me wondering if this just means that the bar is set real low for us right now. But I'm not wondering about that enough to stop me from inviting hope for celebration in my life. I have hope.
That's a great thing.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
I'm Working On Complaining Less and Saying Thank You More
The house needs cleaning. It always needs cleaning. That fact is hard for someone like me to accept. I like to make lists. Lots of lists. Make a list, complete a project and then cross that task off the list with flourish. But the cleaning never ends. You get it done and then it gets dirty again (rather quickly it seems) and then you have to do it again. It's the same with exercise for me. It never ends. You have to do it regularly and frequently. FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
I'm better with finite tasks. Come up with a project, plan for the project, shop for the project, schedule the project, start the project, complete the project and then...and then! Scraaatchhh that item off your list. Ahh, the satisfaction is palpable.
But oh, the cleaning. The horrible, dreaded cleaning that consumes my mind. Consuming because although I hate to clean, I immensely enjoy a clean house. I love walking into a room and seeing shiny surfaces, dust free corners, spotless rugs, breathing deep and smelling that fresh, just cleaned smell. Love it, love it, love it. But it eludes me. I get discouraged and frustrated with the other creatures in the house that seem hell-bent on undoing all that I do. Sometimes, on a bad day, I think it's maliciousness, but mostly I think it's just carelessness or thoughtlessness or simply being oblivious to the mess.
Just a few days ago I was sitting around trying to muster up the energy to clean the bathroom. And resenting the hell out of it. Wishing that I could afford a housekeeper. Thinking about how much better the quality of my life would be to just have the damn cleaning taken care of. To be able to stop thinking about it for the first time in my life. To just have it DONE. For heaven's sake, is that asking so much?!
That afternoon, I decided to watch Oprah. How to describe the images...people like me, people like Greg, people like my sweet Emma...
They were living in homeless shelters, in tents, in their cars, in their offices. They had lost their jobs, their cars, their homes and all but the barest of their belongings. These were good people - hardworking people - people that just had one too many things go wrong for them. One more maybe than me or you.
It was sobering, of course. Scary. This past year has been rough for us, as it has been for so many others. But by the grace of God we've been able to keep our home. A home with four bedrooms, two and a half baths, dining room, living room, kitchen and a big back yard with deck. And every inch of it has been moaned over, bitched about and neglected to some degree. All because I hate to clean, Greg hates to work on our house after working other peoples' houses all day and Emma simply refuses to pick up after herself - her one area of complete stubbornness.
So, as I sat on my bed watching these people on Oprah - a boy who knew just getting a cake would be a lucky thing for his eleventh birthday, a woman who cried over how dirty her fingernails always were now, a mom desperately trying to keep her young children away from the male population at the shelter they stayed in, a couple that used the shower at the local fitness gym because there wasn't one in their office that has now become their home.
As I watched these people I was humbled. And mortified. And ashamed. Not of them, but of myself. Embarrassed that I had the nerve to complain about having to clean my house when I knew that these people - and thousands of others like them - would do almost anything to have what I have. To have the "problems" that I have. How dare I lament the lack of a housekeeper. What a spoiled brat I am. The only thing keeping me from having the clean home that I want is my own complete and utter laziness.
I promptly got off the bed and went and cleaned the bathroom.
Happily.
With joy.
Yes, JOY people. Complete and utter joy to be cleaning the toilet. My toilet. The one that I own. And two others just like it.
What an absolute privilege. One that I'll never take for granted again.
I'm better with finite tasks. Come up with a project, plan for the project, shop for the project, schedule the project, start the project, complete the project and then...and then! Scraaatchhh that item off your list. Ahh, the satisfaction is palpable.
But oh, the cleaning. The horrible, dreaded cleaning that consumes my mind. Consuming because although I hate to clean, I immensely enjoy a clean house. I love walking into a room and seeing shiny surfaces, dust free corners, spotless rugs, breathing deep and smelling that fresh, just cleaned smell. Love it, love it, love it. But it eludes me. I get discouraged and frustrated with the other creatures in the house that seem hell-bent on undoing all that I do. Sometimes, on a bad day, I think it's maliciousness, but mostly I think it's just carelessness or thoughtlessness or simply being oblivious to the mess.
Just a few days ago I was sitting around trying to muster up the energy to clean the bathroom. And resenting the hell out of it. Wishing that I could afford a housekeeper. Thinking about how much better the quality of my life would be to just have the damn cleaning taken care of. To be able to stop thinking about it for the first time in my life. To just have it DONE. For heaven's sake, is that asking so much?!
That afternoon, I decided to watch Oprah. How to describe the images...people like me, people like Greg, people like my sweet Emma...
They were living in homeless shelters, in tents, in their cars, in their offices. They had lost their jobs, their cars, their homes and all but the barest of their belongings. These were good people - hardworking people - people that just had one too many things go wrong for them. One more maybe than me or you.
It was sobering, of course. Scary. This past year has been rough for us, as it has been for so many others. But by the grace of God we've been able to keep our home. A home with four bedrooms, two and a half baths, dining room, living room, kitchen and a big back yard with deck. And every inch of it has been moaned over, bitched about and neglected to some degree. All because I hate to clean, Greg hates to work on our house after working other peoples' houses all day and Emma simply refuses to pick up after herself - her one area of complete stubbornness.
So, as I sat on my bed watching these people on Oprah - a boy who knew just getting a cake would be a lucky thing for his eleventh birthday, a woman who cried over how dirty her fingernails always were now, a mom desperately trying to keep her young children away from the male population at the shelter they stayed in, a couple that used the shower at the local fitness gym because there wasn't one in their office that has now become their home.
As I watched these people I was humbled. And mortified. And ashamed. Not of them, but of myself. Embarrassed that I had the nerve to complain about having to clean my house when I knew that these people - and thousands of others like them - would do almost anything to have what I have. To have the "problems" that I have. How dare I lament the lack of a housekeeper. What a spoiled brat I am. The only thing keeping me from having the clean home that I want is my own complete and utter laziness.
I promptly got off the bed and went and cleaned the bathroom.
Happily.
With joy.
Yes, JOY people. Complete and utter joy to be cleaning the toilet. My toilet. The one that I own. And two others just like it.
What an absolute privilege. One that I'll never take for granted again.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
You're It! From Dooce To Me To You
Here's another "tell the people about yourself" things. This has the marriage angle so it seems a little less self-indulgent than the list in my last post. But I still wonder, Does anyone even give a shit? Either way, here we go....
What are your middle names? Anne and Edward (sounds like British royalty)
How long have you been together? We dated for four years and have been married for nearly twenty years. Unbelievable. I won't elaborate.
How long did you know each other before you started dating? Couple of months.
Who asked whom out? He asked me out. I'm way too shy to make the first move.
How old are each of you? I'm 43 (OLD according to Dooce - thanks a lot!) and he's 45 (ha! he's even OLDER)
Whose siblings do you see the most? Mine, although not enough for my liking. They live far away.
Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple? Money. Not having enough of it. Sucks.
Did you go to the same school? We went to the same college.
Are you from the same home town? No, I'm from rural Ohio (see below) so I'm all hick. He grew up mostly in New Jersey so he's all, you know, NEW JERSEY-ISH.
Who is smarter? We're smarter in different ways about different things.
Who is the most sensitive? Um, me. Although I find myself more cynical as the years go by and less over-sensitive about most things. I have a whole "whatever" attitude now about a lot of things that used to really bother me.
Where do you eat out most as a couple? We usually go Italian but enjoy fondue the most.
Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple? Probably Haiti.
Who has the craziest exes? Oh, it's so him. CRA-ZY ladies...I'll leave it there.
Who has the worst temper? Depends. We're both pretty even-tempered but I'm crankier day-to-day and he's louder once he does get mad. I don't yell much. Not a fan of the yelling.
Who does the cooking? He enjoys it more and is better at it but I've been doing more lately. Hate it with every fiber of my being.
Who is the neat-freak? I used to be but I've given up. Greg and Emma and the cats outnumber me. It's exhausting and probably in the top five list of things that upset me and create daily stress for me.
Who is more stubborn? I'm told I am but I refuse to believe it.
Who hogs the bed? GREG! He's big! I'm long but he's big. Plus, he's a flopper.
Who wakes up earlier? I used to but now he does.
Where was your first date? We went to see the Oscar winner Street Walkin' . It was very romantic.
Who is more jealous? I used to be but now...eh. (See above answer about who's more sensitive.) He's jealous occasionally and it always takes me by surprise. Mostly because I can't believe that I would elicit those kinds of feelings in someone else.
How long did it take to get serious? Probably six months or so. I was the girl that never wanted to marry so the idea of being someones girlfriend did not sit well with me for a long while.
Who eats more? Definitely Greg.
Who does the laundry? Mostly me. He keeps drying my pants which is a huge, HUGE no-no because they shrink in length and it really pisses me off. I half think he does it on purpose so I don't want him to do the laundry.
Who's better with the computer? Greg. He's an egghead.
Who drives when you are together? Usually him, but we call him grandpa so you can just imagine how much fun I have being in the passenger seat. "GO FASTER!!"
What are your middle names? Anne and Edward (sounds like British royalty)
How long have you been together? We dated for four years and have been married for nearly twenty years. Unbelievable. I won't elaborate.
How long did you know each other before you started dating? Couple of months.
Who asked whom out? He asked me out. I'm way too shy to make the first move.
How old are each of you? I'm 43 (OLD according to Dooce - thanks a lot!) and he's 45 (ha! he's even OLDER)
Whose siblings do you see the most? Mine, although not enough for my liking. They live far away.
Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple? Money. Not having enough of it. Sucks.
Did you go to the same school? We went to the same college.
Are you from the same home town? No, I'm from rural Ohio (see below) so I'm all hick. He grew up mostly in New Jersey so he's all, you know, NEW JERSEY-ISH.
Who is smarter? We're smarter in different ways about different things.
Who is the most sensitive? Um, me. Although I find myself more cynical as the years go by and less over-sensitive about most things. I have a whole "whatever" attitude now about a lot of things that used to really bother me.
Where do you eat out most as a couple? We usually go Italian but enjoy fondue the most.
Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple? Probably Haiti.
Who has the craziest exes? Oh, it's so him. CRA-ZY ladies...I'll leave it there.
Who has the worst temper? Depends. We're both pretty even-tempered but I'm crankier day-to-day and he's louder once he does get mad. I don't yell much. Not a fan of the yelling.
Who does the cooking? He enjoys it more and is better at it but I've been doing more lately. Hate it with every fiber of my being.
Who is the neat-freak? I used to be but I've given up. Greg and Emma and the cats outnumber me. It's exhausting and probably in the top five list of things that upset me and create daily stress for me.
Who is more stubborn? I'm told I am but I refuse to believe it.
Who hogs the bed? GREG! He's big! I'm long but he's big. Plus, he's a flopper.
Who wakes up earlier? I used to but now he does.
Where was your first date? We went to see the Oscar winner Street Walkin' . It was very romantic.
Who is more jealous? I used to be but now...eh. (See above answer about who's more sensitive.) He's jealous occasionally and it always takes me by surprise. Mostly because I can't believe that I would elicit those kinds of feelings in someone else.
How long did it take to get serious? Probably six months or so. I was the girl that never wanted to marry so the idea of being someones girlfriend did not sit well with me for a long while.
Who eats more? Definitely Greg.
Who does the laundry? Mostly me. He keeps drying my pants which is a huge, HUGE no-no because they shrink in length and it really pisses me off. I half think he does it on purpose so I don't want him to do the laundry.
Who's better with the computer? Greg. He's an egghead.
Who drives when you are together? Usually him, but we call him grandpa so you can just imagine how much fun I have being in the passenger seat. "GO FASTER!!"
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
My 25 Things
This thing is going around the internet, primarily on Facebook I believe, where you tell 25 things about yourself. It seemed a bit self-indulgent to me but I did it anyway, tagged a bunch of people on it (tagging on Facebook is when you alert other people of your choosing on Facebook of a "note" or new photo you've just posted on your page), and then deleted it a few hours later because the anxiety of being that exposed to that many people nearly sent me over the edge. Total TMI situation.
THEN I reposted it again but didn't tag anyone on it and I felt much better about that scenario. Yes, I'm a total freak. Especially when you consider that very few people have any interest at all WHATSOEVER in learning anything more about me. I'm clearly not that interesting.
But this is my blog and I'll be a self-indulgent egomaniac if I want to. So here are my 25 things:
1. I am from rural Ohio.
2. My grandfather is a founding member of Alcoholics Anonymous.
3. I love movies. LOVE them.
4. I'm the youngest of seven children.
5. I've lost three siblings and my mother and it has had a profound effect on me.
6. I still miss them every single day.
7. Emma is an amazing person in so many ways and I'm afraid that most people will never see her - really see her - because she is so shy.
8. There is no way to overstate how important laughter is to me.
9. I have a blog that very few people that know me have seen.
10. If I won the lottery the first thing that I would do is travel the world. I know I'm supposed to say that I would feed hungry children or something, but I would travel and love every minute of it. THEN I'd feed hungry children. (I promise)
11. My dream job is to be a writer.
12. Emma was a surprise. One that I was not at all sure I wanted. I'm glad I was so wrong. She has allowed me to experience love in its purest form.
13. I went away this past October for a month simply because I could and because I desperately needed to get away. I think a lot of people think I went to rehab. I did not. I went to a beach house in St. Augustine and it was an adventure that I will never, ever forget and that I will always be grateful for.
14. I think that there are two things seriously lacking in the world - kindness and people extending each other grace. I'm still a work in progress on both.
15. I love Crunch Berries cereal and Hostess Ho Hos.
16. I really want to meet a transvestite. I think to know one would be really funny and shake up the sometimes boring suburban life that I live.
17. I hope to move to New York City one day. (Maybe I'll meet a transvestite.)
18. I watch two MTV reality shows. (Please don't judge me - I also watch many documentaries, classics and other "deep" and "meaningful" programming.)
19. I think Greg is a good man.
20. Two of my best friends are from my childhood and I'm so privileged to still have them in my life.
21. I'm fascinated by true crime stories. Sometimes it concerns me a little bit.
22. I love every single color that exists. I wouldn't wear them all, but I love them for their mere existence and contribution.
23. I broke my foot twice in an 18-month time period. It's embarrassing.
24. I know I watch entirely too much television but I remain completely unapologetic about it.
25. Even though I struggle with the whole subject matter, I still always want God in my life.
And I should have added a 26th item - I'm a FIERCE baker!
THEN I reposted it again but didn't tag anyone on it and I felt much better about that scenario. Yes, I'm a total freak. Especially when you consider that very few people have any interest at all WHATSOEVER in learning anything more about me. I'm clearly not that interesting.
But this is my blog and I'll be a self-indulgent egomaniac if I want to. So here are my 25 things:
1. I am from rural Ohio.
2. My grandfather is a founding member of Alcoholics Anonymous.
3. I love movies. LOVE them.
4. I'm the youngest of seven children.
5. I've lost three siblings and my mother and it has had a profound effect on me.
6. I still miss them every single day.
7. Emma is an amazing person in so many ways and I'm afraid that most people will never see her - really see her - because she is so shy.
8. There is no way to overstate how important laughter is to me.
9. I have a blog that very few people that know me have seen.
10. If I won the lottery the first thing that I would do is travel the world. I know I'm supposed to say that I would feed hungry children or something, but I would travel and love every minute of it. THEN I'd feed hungry children. (I promise)
11. My dream job is to be a writer.
12. Emma was a surprise. One that I was not at all sure I wanted. I'm glad I was so wrong. She has allowed me to experience love in its purest form.
13. I went away this past October for a month simply because I could and because I desperately needed to get away. I think a lot of people think I went to rehab. I did not. I went to a beach house in St. Augustine and it was an adventure that I will never, ever forget and that I will always be grateful for.
14. I think that there are two things seriously lacking in the world - kindness and people extending each other grace. I'm still a work in progress on both.
15. I love Crunch Berries cereal and Hostess Ho Hos.
16. I really want to meet a transvestite. I think to know one would be really funny and shake up the sometimes boring suburban life that I live.
17. I hope to move to New York City one day. (Maybe I'll meet a transvestite.)
18. I watch two MTV reality shows. (Please don't judge me - I also watch many documentaries, classics and other "deep" and "meaningful" programming.)
19. I think Greg is a good man.
20. Two of my best friends are from my childhood and I'm so privileged to still have them in my life.
21. I'm fascinated by true crime stories. Sometimes it concerns me a little bit.
22. I love every single color that exists. I wouldn't wear them all, but I love them for their mere existence and contribution.
23. I broke my foot twice in an 18-month time period. It's embarrassing.
24. I know I watch entirely too much television but I remain completely unapologetic about it.
25. Even though I struggle with the whole subject matter, I still always want God in my life.
And I should have added a 26th item - I'm a FIERCE baker!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
Facebook is Freaking Fantastic!
I finally crawled out of that rock I was under and joined the world of Facebook. And I gotta tell ya, I've seen the light of day, and it's FANTASTIC! What an absolute hoot it is. There was this whole world of "friends" and "cupcakes" and "poking" and "walls" out there buzz, buzz, buzzing along every day without my knowledge and I'm glad I joined this new (to me) land of the living.
In the week or so since I've joined, I've made contact with old friends from high school and college, old boyfriends, teachers, my high school prom date and even people right here in my neighborhood that I haven't visited with in a while. It clearly expands your world by opening you up to your new and long lost friends and, in turn, their friends as it is a continuous thread of interconnections. Once someone is on your "Friends" list, all of your other friends and all of their other friends are connected. (In what seems to be a somewhat safe and limited way so it doesn't get creepy.)
On a higher level it also seems to have a redemptive value to it. Before this kind of technology came along relationships would end through a break-up, a move, simply fading away, growing in different directions...and people were always left to wonder, "What if?" or "I wonder how he (she) is doing?" or "Whatever happened to her (him)?" or "I wonder if he (she) still hates me?"
Whether the relationship ended badly or just simply ended, there's something so amazing about being able to interact with these people again when some time has passed and old baggage has disappeared. Whatever may have felt threatening or confusing or weird or hurtful back then, is now something that just feels fun and nice and rather sweet today.
How incredible that the days of never knowing that kind of redemption are over. It makes me wonder about the future and what other gifts of technology will pop up that make our lives more fun and easier and healing. I can't wait!
In the week or so since I've joined, I've made contact with old friends from high school and college, old boyfriends, teachers, my high school prom date and even people right here in my neighborhood that I haven't visited with in a while. It clearly expands your world by opening you up to your new and long lost friends and, in turn, their friends as it is a continuous thread of interconnections. Once someone is on your "Friends" list, all of your other friends and all of their other friends are connected. (In what seems to be a somewhat safe and limited way so it doesn't get creepy.)
On a higher level it also seems to have a redemptive value to it. Before this kind of technology came along relationships would end through a break-up, a move, simply fading away, growing in different directions...and people were always left to wonder, "What if?" or "I wonder how he (she) is doing?" or "Whatever happened to her (him)?" or "I wonder if he (she) still hates me?"
Whether the relationship ended badly or just simply ended, there's something so amazing about being able to interact with these people again when some time has passed and old baggage has disappeared. Whatever may have felt threatening or confusing or weird or hurtful back then, is now something that just feels fun and nice and rather sweet today.
How incredible that the days of never knowing that kind of redemption are over. It makes me wonder about the future and what other gifts of technology will pop up that make our lives more fun and easier and healing. I can't wait!
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