Radio Silence

I was watching some mindless show the other day with an interview between a pseudo-celebrity entertainment journalist and a pseudo-celebrity reality star. (Actually, the pseudo-celebrity entertainment journalist is also a pseudo-celebrity reality star herself. Oh, Hollywood...what a tangled web...) They were discussing the reality star's earlier courtship break-up with her now husband and what a tough time that was in their relationship. The journalist said to the reality star, "Did you go 'radio silence' on him?"

I honestly don't remember what the reality star's reply was, but I couldn't stop thinking about the idea of "radio silence." Of just...disappearing.

I need to disappear.

I want to disappear.

I don't want the life I'm living. No matter how much I try to keep my head in the game and stay on top of my life, my thoughts have become consumed with running away. I keep trying to shove these thoughts away because I have too many people counting on me right now, but they creep back in almost nonstop.

And it makes me feel guilty to think this way - about my marriage, about my daughter, about the rest of my family and friends. How hurtful would that be for me to just pick up and leave?

But it's all I want to do.

I want to live in a tiny house and create. That's all I want. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want anyone in my life.

I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous. And over the top. And over dramatic. And selfish. And mean.

And I could psychoanalyze the shit out of all of this because I'm really good at psychoanalyzing the shit out of things: I know that I've been hurt by the deaths of so many people I love and the rejection of so many others that are living. I know that part of my wanting to disappear is a way of protecting myself against more loss and rejection. I know that I'm facing a time of huge transition (empty nest, marital shifts, more losses from that bitch that is cancer, a probably move, huge career decisions). I know that it's mentally unhealthy to want to shun other human beings in your life. I know that I need to hold on. I know that I just need to get up each morning and put one foot in front of the other and breathe in and out and GET ON WITH IT. I know this. I know all of this. But knowing all of this doesn't make it possible to do. Doesn't make the unending, paralyzing, gut-wrenching, grip-my-heart-and-tear-it-out-of-my-chest pain, go away. The weight of that pain is getting heavier and heavier - and I'm buckling.

I want relief. I need relief. I want freedom. Freedom from the grip of pain that has owned my heart and mind for so long and is only getting worse. The pain is stealing more and more of me and it's threatening to consume me completely. The fight I've fought against it for nearly thirty years is a losing battle it seems and my knees are giving out. Feels like it's time to surrender. To escape. To go silent. To just go.

Radio silence.