Gee, What a Load of Crap (At First Glance Anyway)

I just logged onto this blog to see what it looked like to a new reader and burst out laughing when I took an objective gander at it. There is the header with the title "Laughing Eden" in large font and then the first sentence in my last post is, "I keep crying."

Wow, talk about a bait and switch. With a blog title like that you'd think you were going to be in for some pretty good times on here. And then...NOT SO MUCH. Lately anyway.

When I named this blog I thought about the things that were most important to me or the things that I enjoyed. Family, friends, love, compassion, kindness, baking, art, movies, books, creating, writing; all a very big part of my life. But laughter, well laughter is what has helped me survive all the heartache that life has brought me. I'm so grateful for laughter. So indebted to it. The gift of it is priceless to me. This blog is intended to pay homage to it - a way of thanking it for helping me stay alive in some of my darkest days when all I wanted to do is disappear.

I'm in those dark days again. I will admit that laughter isn't coming easy. That I'm struggling in ways that I have never struggled before. And that I'm scared about it.

I cry way more than I laugh, and when I do laugh, it's usually a mere chuckle that is short lived. My ironic blog title made me laugh harder than I have in a while.

I'm trying though. I'm trying to find joy. Opportunities to laugh come every day and I grab them greedily, desperate to be myself again. To feel something other than sadness. And anger and frustration and discouragement and hopelessness.

Maybe that's a good sign - that I want to feel something other than all of that negativity. I imagine someone who is truly hopeless doesn't even bother trying anymore. I will always try. I have a daughter. She deserves at least that from me.

So I get up every day and shower and put on some make up and take care of my daughter and putter around the house and work and interact with people and try to serve and love and yes, laugh. The beat goes on and I hope to dance to it again one day.