What If I Just Let Myself Fall?

A strange thing is happening to me lately. I feel it coming back. Threatening. The dark cloud always ready to consume me. The living, breathing beast that is depression.

I feel like it's always an undercurrent of my life every single day. Something that I have to battle and resist and make conscious choices about daily. Every day when I wake up I am a dichotomy of thoughts - knowing how unbelievably fortunate I am to have another day to wake up to, but also having to make the deliberate choice to get out of bed and live another day. To do. To be.

To mother. Thank God that I have to mother.

I've gotten so used to this fight against depression - and prevailing over it - that I was surprised yesterday when I had the thought for the very first time ever, What if I just gave in to it? What if I just stopped fighting it and let myself fall into that black hole again?

The idea of it both scared me and liberated me. That year of deep depression scares the hell out of me almost more than anything else. But it would also be a relief to stop the exhausting battle. To just let myself feel it all. Wallow in it. Roll around in it. Bathe in it.

But what a bore. My story and all of my reasons why I'm depressed are so boring. Real and valid to me, yes, but my pain is no worse in degree to almost anybody else's pain. We all have shit and mine is not special or more important. To let it take over me again seems so selfish and self-indulgent.

What to do...? What to do...? I think for today I will fight it again. Not let myself succumb to it. I will prevail again. The fight is worth it. People are counting on me and I need to win this one.

Tomorrow? I'll just make that decision then.