You Are Invisible

I was IM-ing my sister the other day and I noticed in little red type on the IM page three words, "You Are Invisible." I don't know why but it hit me like a slap in the face. I knew what it meant - something or other about how the internet couldn't see me because I had probably set up some sort of privacy block or whatever. But it still hit me pretty hard. It was seeing it in print, right in front of me - about me. "You Are Invisible."

Don't I know it. I thought.

I've always felt a little invisible which is ironic because I'm 5'9", blonde and legs that make up a 34 inch inseam. You'd think that I'd carry my Amazon body around on center stage all of the time but I don't. I do all I can to shrink into the background like a chameleon. Blend Rachel, blend.

These days, I feel more invisible than ever. I don't get out as much as I'd like. I find myself shrinking back a bit socially. And I'm not sure anyone even notices. I live in this little box of a world and I haven't had the courage to shatter down the walls. This is not about feeling sorry for myself - in many ways I've put myself in this position - this is just about having it in red-letter text in front of me and the realization hitting me of how true it is. And how much that truth sucks.

I could go into all of the reasons that I feel this way but they don't matter as much as what I'm going to do about it. I'm going on a little adventure in the coming months. One that scares the crap out of me. But I'm going to do it and I hope to come out of it a better person. One with her head on straighter. One with a smile too big to ignore and too genuine to be invisible. A person that can love deeper and by doing so, reach out to people in a more meaningful way.

I'll be writing about my adventure here as go along. I sure hope this works....