New Lows

I found myself on the bathroom floor tonight, crying my eyes out. That was after crying my eyes out this morning on a bench on a public mountain trail. I am being brought to my knees and I keep trying to figure it out. I keep trying to make sense out of things that will never make sense. I sat on that bench and stared at the magnificent morning sunrise with things swimming around in my head grasping, reaching, praying for answers. For ways to fix or heal or answer or DO ANYTHING about any of it.

Then tonight I lost it in front of my daughter. I found some things out from her that just...buckled me. Like a bat to the back of my knees, I was emotionally down - surrendered against my will to the reality that is my life. I have no answers. I can't fix any of it. I'm not sure if I'll ever heal.

I'm scared and I'm sad and I feel hopeless.