New Lows

I found myself on the bathroom floor tonight, crying my eyes out. That was after crying my eyes out this morning on a bench on a public mountain trail. I am being brought to my knees and I keep trying to figure it out. I keep trying to make sense out of things that will never make sense. I sat on that bench and stared at the magnificent morning sunrise with things swimming around in my head grasping, reaching, praying for answers. For ways to fix or heal or answer or DO ANYTHING about any of it.

Then tonight I lost it in front of my daughter. I found some things out from her that just...buckled me. Like a bat to the back of my knees, I was emotionally down - surrendered against my will to the reality that is my life. I have no answers. I can't fix any of it. I'm not sure if I'll ever heal.

I'm scared and I'm sad and I feel hopeless.

!

I've noticed something! Something kind of funny! Something that would be a pretty cool trick if it all weren't so sad! When I am texting or e-mailing someone in response to their questions about how I'm doing, and end sentences with an exclamation point, they believe I'm okay when I say I'm okay! They suddenly move on and ask no more questions about how I'm doing!

Isn't that the oddest thing? And pretty shady of me if I'm being totally honest. But, it wasn't something that I did with purpose at first. I didn't even realize I was doing it at all for a long time. But in the last few weeks, I started noticing it and decided to test it. Someone would ask me how I'm doing (crappy) or how my sister is doing (crappy) and I would talk honestly about how (crappy) we were were doing and I could tell the other person would begin to feel stressed that we're doing so crappy. OR! I would evade their questions and they would notice that I'm evading and call me out on it. Then I would send a response with an exclamation point on the end and they would immediately believe me that I was fine and I could tell their stress level would diminish significantly.

For example:

Them: "How is your sister doing, Rachel?"
Me (option 1 - no exclamation point): "She is struggling quite a bit, but managed to be able to take a shower today."
Me (option 2 - using exclamation point): "She is struggling quite a bit but managed to be able to take a shower today!"

See the difference? In option 2, the reader would take it as good news and be able to move on to talking about other things when, in actuality, it kind of sucks that the standard of what my sister can manage in a day has become so low that being able to take a shower is newsworthy. But, frankly, it is often a relief for me to move on to another topic, and here is why...people just want me to be okay. That's all they want. They care about me and my family and want to help but know they can't and that's stressful for them. They want to fix, but they can't. They want to solve, but they can't. They want me not to hurt, but I can't stop hurting just because they want it so much for me. Intellectually, everyone involved knows this, but human nature dictates that they at least try. My exclamation points let them off they hook. They asked, I answered with enthusiasm, we can all move on to the next topic. I can pretend to be okay and this is comforting to the other person.

I learned years ago that my not being okay is a real hardship for the people who care about me. When Joanne was killed I was SO NOT okay and I walked around obviously not okay. It was hard for people to be around me. Not because they didn't love me or care about me - but because they did. I soon realized that the more "okay" I was, the more people were comfortable with my situation and with being around me. I needed people around me. Grief is such an isolating journey and I was desperate for friendship and companionship so...I adjusted. I smiled and laughed and pretended to be okay.

The problem with this, of course, is that it'll come back to bite you. All of that pretending will eventually catch up with you and suddenly you feel like your going to have a nervous breakdown out of pure exhaustion with all of that Oscar-winning acting you're doing. I've learned this the hard way. So much so, that I was eventually diagnosed with PTSD and suffered a severe depression.

But, here I am, pretending again. It's taken on a new format with technology creating even another layer of removal from others - texting and e-mail give you a safe cushion from your tone of voice or facial expressions giving you away. A simple exclamation point is all that is needed and your scott free.

I know in my gut that all of this exclaiming might be a big mistake, but I honestly don't know any other way of handling it. They want me to be okay, I will be okay, and it doesn't really matter that I'm not okay. Give the people what they want and the truth won't matter.

Except...it does. I'm NOT okay. I am hurting and I am scared and I am desperately sad. And I am alone with it because that is what's necessary to be able to get on with your life day-in and day-out. And to have people in your life. And to just get the hell on with it. There doesn't seem to be many options here.

Smile. Nod. Evade. And if all else fails, exclaim.

The One Left Behind

Long hiatus, folks! It's been a while since I've been writing on here. I don't know why I do that. I know I hate it when other bloggers do that - just disappear. I'm at an advantage though because I don't have any readers (At least I don't think I do. Please let me know if I'm wrong.) so I imagine that my absence has offended no one.

I'm going through some things. Some hard things. I'm used to hard things but that somehow doesn't make hard things any easier. This is unfortunate. What good is all of that "hard stuff" life experience if it doesn't make the next hard thing any easier to go through? It makes one feel rather foolish and ripped off for all of that endurance displayed, grit proven and lip stiffened.

In a nutshell, I have a very ill sister, an ill father, an anxious daughter, no money, no job, a 24-year marriage, a messy house and, well, a pretty messy life. I've had the urge to write about these things and hope that, by doing so, I'll remember what all of this felt like. I'm hoping that this time, I will not shove all of my thoughts, feelings and emotions so deep into the caverns of my heart and mind that they serve no purpose but to eat me alive, body and soul.

You see, I've already lost a sister, two brothers and my mother. And I've shoved and I've swallowed and I've endured and I've forged on. But I have not come out unscathed. I am damaged. More than most I would guess. And with all of that shoving and swallowing I am not able to help others as much as I'd like. I want to help others. It's the only thing that helps make all that my family has gone through make any sense. It seems selfish and wasteful not to serve others during their hard times.

My goal is to "go there." To let myself feel it all through writing about it. And hopefully, by letting myself feel it all, I can learn and pass on what I've learned better than I have in the past.

A K-Mart Life

Last spring we were in Hilton Head and while we were there we made a trip to Fresh Market. Have you ever been there? It's a gourmet grocery store with funky items and tons of fresh-made goodies. It's amazing how much I love it considering how much I hate to cook. I think it's the bakery. Fresh baked pies and cakes and breads and cookies - yum!

Emma and I stood looking at all of the exotic oils and dressings with their beautiful labels and un-prounouncable names. I picked one off the shelf and said to her, "I want to live a Fresh Market life, Emma, but I fear that I live a K-Mart life."

I think it was about one of the saddest things I've ever said.

When I imagined my adult life during my teen and twenties I thought it would be beautiful. I thought I would be surrounded by beautiful things and that I would be spending my days doing things I loved - a job I enjoyed, a home that reflected my tastes, a family emotionally intact.

None of those things have come true, I'm afraid, and I'm absolutely miserable about it.

Some of it falls squarely on my shoulders, but some of it...does not. Life has a way of nudging and elbowing its will upon you until you sometimes don't even recognize it as yours anymore.

In many ways, I feel like I've given up. Like I'm simply too exhausted to fight it. Somewhere along the way I just...surrendered. Pure resignation. This is just how it is, I say to myself. None of us have the life we wanted. The one we dreamed of.

But for some people, what has happened instead is MORE than they could have ever hoped for in ways that they never imagined.

But..for some of us...it's just a disappointment.

"Expectation is the root of all heartache." said William Shakespeare. Man, no wonder he's famous for his writing. No one ever nailed it better. Such a simple concept yet lost on so many.

These days I'm working on lowering my expectations - of people, of life, of God, of my marriage. But I'll be honest, it feels so very sad to me.  To strive to accept a K-Mart life when I so desperately wanted the Fresh Market life.

Disappointment sucks.

Unconditional Love

Is it possible? Is unconditional love attainable?

I remember back in college, my boyfriend at the time wasn't treating me all that well and we were headed towards a break-up. I was heartbroken and sought the advice of the college pastor. He said, "My best advice to you is to just keep loving and keep loving and keep loving him, no matter what. It doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do, just be loving in return."

What a foreign concept that was to me! Just keep taking it? Just always respond with love? How can I do that when he isn't treating me well? Aren't I just setting myself up to be a doormat? I was confused, but intrigued.

Years later, well into my adulthood, I had a friend hurt me very badly - very unfairly. I was so confused and angry and hurt and bewildered. My first human instinct was to respond in kind. To lash out. To make clear that I would not be treated this way by anyone. (So there!)

In the midst of all of that pain and anger, I had a lightening bolt - an epiphany. What if if just decided to be who I wanted to be no matter who she chose to be?  What if I - in spite of her horrible behavior - just chose to be kind in return? What if I offered grace even when no grace was offered to me? What if I behaved lovingly towards her even though she behaved so hatefully towards me? What if I chose that from this moment on, NOTHING and NO ONE would change who I wanted to be? I think a seed was planted years earlier by that college pastor that was to become revolutionary for me. It made me feel powerful over so much hurt and hatred - not just in my personal life - but in a more global sense.

Then, a couple of years ago, I came across a quote that changed my life - ROCKED MY WORLD. It solidified all that had been forming in my mind and in my heart about this business of loving unconditionally...

"I could not think of being unkind, even to a mortal enemy. It would hurt me. I see so much unkindness in the world, and there is no excuse for me to add to it. When you love God, and when you see God in every soul, you cannot be mean. If someone behaves hurtfully toward you, think of the best ways to behave lovingly toward him." ~ Paramahansa Yogananda

Isn't that absolutely fantastic?! To just decide that NO MATTER WHAT you will be loving and kind to others. That by doing so, you would show God's love through you to others. That you no longer have the burden of one-upmanship or gaining the upper hand or "winning" or getting even or playing the games that we so often get stuck in with other people.

It's so simple. Be kind - no matter what. Let that be your natural reaction - no matter what. Extend grace - no matter what. Be loving - no matter what.Whether or not someone deserves your kindness or grace or love is no longer your problem or burden to carry. You have already chosen who you are going to be and you're going to be someone that extends loving kindness no. matter. what.

Truly amazing.

Recently, I was reading a novel and one of the characters was a priest and he was having a discussion with a man who was seeking - truth, enlightenment, understanding - about some terrible heartache and pain he was experiencing. The priest said to the man, "The question is, what would happen to your life and your world if you were somehow able to erase from your mind, your heart, and your memory - from your very existence, in fact - the motivation, 'What is in it for me?'"

Unconditional love. You just love because it's good and right and kind. You care about the other person more than your own agenda, more than your own feelings, more than your own needs and wants.

Impossible? I don't think so. Hard? Yes, extremely.

But so very worth it.

Eleven Years

There have been no words invented in the last eleven years that are adequate enough to describe the absolutely overwhelming sadness that this day brings. So much pain. So much hatred. And yet, we're all united in our love for the people that lost their lives that day and their families that were left behind. May God give them a peace today that surpasses all understanding.

Lonely

I've been extraordinarily lonely lately.

It's such a powerful force, loneliness. It can drive us to do things that we know we shouldn't. Acts of mild desperation that leave us feeling humiliated and needy. Texting someone when you know full well that they're not all that interested in what you're trying to talk about. Staging "spontaneous" run-ins with someone you very much want to see but who is clearly too busy to want to see you. Pretending to be interested in something/someone just so that person will engage with you in any way. Not committing to things that you know are best for you and your interests because someone that you want to spend time with might get in touch and want to grace you with an hour or two of their time when you could have - should have - been doing something that's better for you in the long run.

It's all just leaves you with such an awful feeling.

I read a blog about a lady who lost her husband suddenly last October and then started dating her husband's best friend not long after. She seems like a lovely lady. Nothing untoward or inappropriate about her or her actions necessarily, but it just seems so...wrong. So ill-timed. So desperate. Her latest blog entry is a photo of her new beau on bended knee proposing to her and her caption that reads, "He asked. I said yes." Less than a year after losing her husband suddenly. A good husband, one that she was very much in love with, if I am to believe all of her posts about him. All I want to feel is happy for her, but what I really feel is, Crap! TOO SOON!! You have no idea the years of grief in front of you and how complex that grief is going to get - for you and your two sons. And now you're going to have to do it with a new husband that, in spite of his best efforts to be selfless and understanding and supportive of you, will still have his own needs and ideas of what your life together should be like! WAIT A BIT! Give this some more time!

But...she didn't ask me how I felt about it. Hell, I don't even know her. I just find it a striking example of what a human being will do to feel less alone in the world. Grief is an intensely isolating experience because no one can really know how you feel or exactly what you're going through and no one can really help you through it. They can try on some small level, but only you can walk through it, and it has to be you and only you - alone.

My father-in-law (FIL) left my mother-in-law (MIL) for his mistress. They got married and seemed to have a good life together. They truly cared for and loved each other. There was an obvious affection between them that was awfully sweet to watch. Especially when my step-mother-in-law (SMIL) became ill with cancer and died not long after. My FIL took such good care of her and was devastated and a bit lost without her it seemed.

Four months later he remarried my MIL.

It wasn't until years later that we found out  that when he suddenly disappeared from my SMIL's funeral dinner for a couple of hours, he had gone home to call my MIL and profess his love for her.

What the hell??

I judged him. Of course I judged him. But then I realized just how afraid he was to be alone - even for a day. That somehow he just wasn't comfortable enough with himself to be with himself - just him - for any amount of time. That his loneliness was his driving force, no matter the outcome or societal norms or even proper etiquette. That's powerful stuff.

I have several friends that are in marriages that demean them, compromise them, chip away at them and who they want to be, but who remain. Who don't want to rock the boat for fear of being alone. Who are avoiding being alone at the cost of so much - in some cases at the cost of everything else about themselves and their lives that they used to hold dear and hold such high standards to. Who, in the end, no matter what they used to profess to be and what they used to want for their lives, will stay at all costs.

I think about my own marriage and how utterly isolating it is. How hopeless I feel about it and my life. I think about how I sit here writing all of this in a blog post because I don't have one friend that I feel I can be completely open and honest with about the truth of my life and how deeply miserable and hopeless I am.

I think about how I've gone "underground" lately - no Facebooking, texting, get-togethers, lunches, GNO, phone calls or e-mailing. And you know what? NO ONE'S NOTICED.

Yup, utterly alone.

I'm not sure what it is about me that makes me so disposable to others. So easy to risk losing. So easy to walk away from. My guess is that I'm terribly annoying and just can't get my shit together enough to figure out what it is that turn others off from me so much. I've struggled with this for years and have come to no conclusions.

I don't write this soliciting pity (I mean, seriously, who would pity me? No one reads this! LOL!) or with any deep thoughts or even an inkling of a solution to any of it. I write this to get it down. To explore the subject. To take a step by giving it a voice. To say out loud that I feel this way and maybe others do too. To wonder at the powerfulness of loneliness and the lengths we'll go to avoid it. How much we're willing to sacrifice just to not be alone.

I read a quote recently that reminded me of myself. Who I'm becoming. How I'm turning inward in response to feeling hurt and misunderstood and so very uninteresting to others...

"She, who learned to protect by staying silent; who learned to stay safe by disappearing inside.”

That's what's happening to me. It's a struggle to interact with others anymore. Since I'm not sure what I'm doing to turn others off so much, I am becoming more silent to protect myself and more internal to remain safer from the wreckage that the constant rejection is causing.

It's a self-preservation thing. An alternative to the pain that rejection causes. William Shakespeare said, "Expectation is the root of all heartache." I believe that wholeheartedly. Lower my expectations, lower my hurt.

That's the goal right now. Just lower the pain level please.

I'm begging you life. Please.